The Porn Pay-Per-View Network

My name is Earnest, and I have a weird relationship with my porn. Let me start off by establishing that I am not a pervert. I enjoy porn in what I believe to be the adequate amount people should be enjoying porn. But, my porn collection has taken a life of its own, and my perception of that box of DVDs in the closet has changed forever.

I just turned thirty last week. While other people my age have mostly either celebrated or mourned their thirtieth day of birth with important loved ones, I went another direction. I broke convention, opting to stay in my apartment, alone, with nothing but the sounds of the city to accompany me. The perils of dating, falling in love with, and getting dumped by a porn star I guess.

She was an aspiring actress trying to make it big, and I was a guy that was too stupid to get out of the way. I met her during one of my early attempts at amateur adult film making. The moment she walked into my “studio”, which just happens to be my empty apartment, I knew there was something special about her. She was different from the other girls who just wanted to score some blow money. She was one of those girls who you knew for a fact was destined to shine brighter than the rest of us. She had a little Hepburn in her, and even while I was shooting her doing a lesbian sex scene with some crack whore I couldn’t even remember, her image never diminished in my mind.

We lived together for five years. Those were the good years. Of course, I still kept making her movies. But I never let another man touch her. I wanted to contain her in my world, and tried my best to replicate a glamorous life that she so richly deserved. But my meager efforts failed to provide her that.

So I sit now, debating internally as to whether or not I should watch that box full of porn or just throw it all away. The day she walked out on me for greener pastures I wanted to burn all those videos of her, but I couldn’t bring myself to. It remains my only connection to her. I keep freezing to the shot of her staring deep into my camera, with her Hepburn like eyes, speaking to me more than her mouth ever did.

While it is a generally accepted fact that people watch porn for the sex scenes, there is something that distinguishes which videos are distinctly better than the other. An anonymous porn expert declared that the secret to the best sex videos not just lie in the sex scenes and performers, but actually in how interesting the dialogue is. Such a statement has then evolved into a frequently discussed topic, and up until now, the debate rages on.

“It does have some bearing to it” said media analyst Charles Wang. “While visual stimuli do carry most of the impact to the recipient, it is the auditory stimuli that stick to one’s mind. That is why pop songs tend to get stuck in a person’s head regardless of an individual’s musical preference. And theaters and home theater system always boast superior sound systems as their selling point. It is what we hear that completes the experience, otherwise it would no longer be an audiovisual medium. Would you, in all honesty, enjoy a soundless porn movie? It’s doubtful. I know I won’t.”

Despite not being known for a medium with a glaring affinity for the written word, the porn medium does manage to come out with dialogue that is sufficient to achieve its intended purpose. “”Notice how every one has a favorite movie quote?” asked fight choreographer and film buff Enrique San Juan. “Dialogue from movies, porn or not, is exactly what you want to say whenever you’re faced in the situation. If I’m ever put in a typical porn situation, I can only hope that what comes out of my mouth is half as cool as what the actors say.”

If this is true, then how come no one can ever remember a line from any porn movie when asked to recite one? This is the main question that is raised by those who oppose this stand. These “purists” as they prefer to be called are against the new mentality of porn being described in the same breath as mainstream movies.

Whether or not dialogue is a truly pivotal aspect in the quality of adult videos, the fact that it is heavily discussed bodes well for the entire industry. With ideas such as these brewing, future generations can rest assured with the knowledge that the creative blood of porn will continue to flow.

A local Canadian celebrity who has been suffering from obscurity is about to make a huge debut on amateur pay per view porn. Trent Luborsky is a teen actor from the early Nineties whose name is mentioned in the same breath as such luminaries like Corey Haim, Pauly Shore and many others. He was made popular in a Canadian sitcom “What’s Up, Eh?” before melting the hearts of many Canadian teens in his role in the teen drama series “Manitoba Dreams”. It was playing the role of Casey, a rebellious teen with great hair and trademark acid washed jeans, that propelled Trent it local super-stardom.

However, as is the case with most young stars, life in the fast lane was too much for Trent. After riding the wave of massive local popularity, Trent was not able to transition into other roles once the show was canceled. This caused Trent severe depression, which he tried to fight using the wrong methods. Within two years after “Manitoba Dreams” was canceled, Trent had officially hit rock bottom.

Now, nearly twenty years after his career was nearly flushed down the toilet, Trent has found a way to get himself in the spotlight once more. He is now promoting an adult sex video which he would only put up on the Internet on pay per view. Trent believes that this will be the ultimate tribute to his loyal fans.

The movie is called “Manitoba Screams”, which will feature the failed actor once again in his trademark jeans. Of course, it would be a safe assumption that Trent will not be wearing those jeans for the majority of the movie.

“This is my way of giving back to my fans” said the actor who was questionably sober. “This movie will feature me showing a side of myself that I never got to show while I was on TV. Except maybe to the handful of extras and make up artists that I’ve banged on the set.”

As an added treat to fans of the locally syndicated show, Trent claims that there will be more than a few surprise cameos from the original cast of the once beloved show. “Yup, this one’s for all those loyal fans who never forgot how awesome it was back in the nineties! TV shows today just suck, eh?

With so many available distractions on the Web, producers of online porn movies are trying to come up with ways to compete. There have been plans to reinvigorate the online porn industry, and at the forefront is the making of interactive porn movies. These would allow viewers to truly feel part of the action. To make this possible, a brand new software is being launched that would give the viewer total control of all the porn action they wish to participate in.

This software is strictly top secret for the time being, but the developers promise that it will not only change the way porn is watched, but also the way porn is viewed. Ivan Jericho, one of the leading developers in Zeotrope X Interactive, offers some inside information. “This works by capturing the performers in various angles, allowing the viewer to freely navigate the entire area to get whichever view they want to see. It would be the same thing like those instant replays from sports video games. Know you could edit out angles and roam freely while your player shoots a basket or something? We’re trying to incorporate that into the porn videos.”

If done successfully, no longer will masturbating porn viewers have to worry about cumming during inopportune times. Many people suffer from unsatisfactory self indulgence over porn because several times, they will climax just when the shot shows a close up of a guy’s grimacing countenance. With this technology, that fear will no longer exist, and immediately the programmers hope that this would increase the popularity of porn movies once more.

Another feature the software would enable is the combination of several niches into one video. This is beyond mere video editing. The developers are calling this the “god mode”, and will give viewers the opportunity to literally dictate and control every aspect of the porn movie. “Let’s say you like one scene from a particular porn star and another scene from a different movie but you wish she would do it with a co-star from yet another different movie. The god mode allows you to combine those things to fully customize a porn video to your own tastes.”

The software is still in development, but initial surveys indicate that the entire porn watching world is holding its breath for the software’s much anticipated release. There is no doubt that if done successfully, the software would change online porn movies forever.

Two recently released blockbusters are greatly affecting the way live porn is now being produced. With the popularity of the movie “Paranormal Activity”, there have been many who have attempted to emulate its very realistic style. The Twilight franchise, with its recent release “New Moon”, has made everyone undergo a vampire craze not seen since “Interview with a Vampire” hit theaters.

A small yet ambitious production outfit are putting these two supernatural themes together. They also mix it up with hardcore sex scenes to create a realistic vampire themed porn movie entitled “Paranormal Activities During Twilight”.

The story is about a young woman who has an obsession with video recording every moment in her life. These videos document the very boring life in the small town she resides in. She is a girl with big ideas and a big heart, both of which she feels are diminishing due to a less than colorful existence. In comes a roving vampire, who at first tries to drain her of her blood, but somehow falls in love with her character and wit. They then chronicle every chapter of their life together, producing some of the raunchiest sex tapes ever created. As the story progresses, other characters come into play. The movie promises to be full of vampire on human love scenes, werewolf orgies, vampire threesomes and even a vampire on werewolf bestiality scene.

Every scene is captured by a singular camera, creating an amateurish effect that many fans would truly appreciate. The creators of the film also promise a dramatic surprise twist in the end.

“This is the type of porn that many people would definitely get into” said producer and closet Twilight fanatic David Marsters. “We have assembled a beautiful cast f top notch performers and our writers have crafted a story for the ages. There’s something for everyone here. In fact, if it wasn’t for the really hardcore sex stuff, I think we have made a truly high quality romance movie.”

“Paranormal Activities During Twilight” is set to go straight to DVD in the coming year. It boasts a full load of special features. Besides the outtakes, the DVD will also feature an image gallery, a special commentary and three alternate endings. This movie definitely deserves a proud place in anyone’s DVD collection. The one that is usually hidden in a special compartment in one’s closet, along with a few dirty mags and a box of condoms.

“No matter what adult sex video is laid out in front of him, Superman will resist it.” This is the statement made by Clifford Jonas, a self-proclaimed comic book expert from Philadelphia. Jonas claims that after he has studied comic books from his personal collection from the Golden age DC archives, he discovered that one of the powers that Superman possess is “super-chastity”.

“People think that Superman is very disciplined due to his Southern traditional upbringing” Jonas said, pointing out Jonathan and Martha Kent’s contributions to Superman’s righteousness. “Superman just has an extremely low sex drive. The values instilled upon him by his adoptive parents were to uphold truth and justice. I don’t believe they ever tackled sex.”

Jonas’ hypothesis revolves mainly around the fact that Superman , despite looking perfectly like a human being, is an alien. “He’s Kryptonian. He can leap tall buildings and shit. His physiological make up is definitely different from ours. He’s impervious to all human weaknesses. That includes psychological ones.”

“The same way Superman can survive long periods of time without eating or breathing, he also does not feel the need to have sex. If he can resist his primary instincts, why can’t the same be said about his sexual needs? I would not be surprised if Superman is one of those people who can have erections on command, and not during arousal. Reading the newer comics, we know that Superman has turned down advances from Ice (Guy Gardner’s main squeeze), Maxima, Wonder Woman, and every other hottie in the DC Universe that he wasn’t related to. That just takes more than willpower or loyalty to Lois Lane. That’s just superhuman.”

Jonas also sites the numerous times Superman could have had his way with Lois prior to their marriage, but chose not to. “Again, people think that it’s because of his discipline, and that’s partly the reason. Mostly, it’s because he doesn’t really want to.”

Another theory that Jonas presented is a parallelism between Superman and Watchmen’s Dr. Manhattan. Both considered to be god-like beings, Dr. Manhattan turned his back on humanity once his wife, the Silk Spectre, left him. Any connection he had with the human race has been severed at that point. Jonas predicts that Superman only keeps Lois around is because she is his main connection to humanity.

“So no, Superman can watch all the porn in the world and not have a boner.” Jonas concludes.

Back in the Nineties, the beloved Disney animated movie The Lion King was the subject of much controversy. There is a scene in the movie where Simba, the lead character, slumped down on a patch of flowers in disappointment after a harsh conversation with his father’s ghost. This caused the petals to float in the air. For a split second, the petals formed the word “sex”. To make matters worse, it was a child who noticed this. The scandalous situation had cost Disney a lot of money and the entire industry of animation now have been under close scrutiny. Now, more than a decade later, Disney is striking back through the world’s top porn sites.

In many of the online porn videos, the existence of “hidden Mickeys” has been discovered. To those who are not aware, “hidden Mickeys” are the Mickey Mouse logos that Disney usually litters its TV shows and movies with. They challenge the fans to find these cleverly hidden marketing tools. Now subtly visible in porn, these “hidden Mickeys” threaten to do more than just amuse people. It could potentially ruin the entire porn industry.

In an ironic twist, it was a balding, middle aged man by the name of Bob Samson noticed Disney’s subtle revenge scheme. What makes it ironic is that Samson is the distant cousin of the kid who saw the word “sex” in the Lion King, Samson finds Disney’s “hidden Mickey” attack on porn to be very distasteful. “Who the hell wants to think about Mickey Mouse when watching porn? If you ask me, that sort of thing is nothing short of evil, man.”

No one from Walt Disney offered to comment on the situation, but the general consensus among those within the porn industry is that Disney has crossed the line. Adult film star Balls E. Normous thinks that this could be a danger to his livelihood. “It’s all subliminal advertising, yo. Like indoctrination. The more people watch those ‘Mickeyed’ up videos, pretty soon they’ll be watching cartoons instead of my movies!”

If what Normous believes to be true, are there steps being taken to avoid a decline in the number of porn viewers? Normous remains peeved and troubled about the possibility.. “If this fucks up my business, I’m personally heading down to Disneyworld and give each and everyone of them a different kind og ‘hidden Mickey’”.

Harry Borelane considers himself a very organized man. After working several years in a small cubicle doing paperwork no one has ever dreamed of doing, Borlain has developed a knack for organization. He is vilified though, and at times lauded, for the level of effort he puts out just so things are always in order. Even the interior of his house is arranged in a way that everything is in its proper place. Borelane’s organized world, however, was rocked to its very foundation the moment he was assigned to do porn categories.

One of the lines of business of the company that Borelane works for sells porn DVD. With a bunch of holiday orders coming in, the supervisor assigned Borelane to put in overtime for the weekend to categorize every video per niche, and alphabetically. He was also requested to do a cross reference regarding titles and stars among other things. The work was tedious, unfulfilling, and extremely boring. In other words, it was the sort of thing that Harry Borelane is born to do. Borelane, unmarried and essentially friendless, was happy to have something to do over the weekend for a change.

Borelane’s obsessive compulsive tendencies were challenged when he discovered the number of categories the porn genre actually had. It was something that he had never dreamed of in his entire life. He never was a big fan of the porn medium, and Borelane has to take a moment to fully take in what exactly it was he had signed up for.

Saturday morning, he started. Alone in the office, Borlane was free to use the entire office space to his advantage. He paced when needed. He even laid out elaborate charts and graphs and lists on all the bulletin boards. He tried listening to pretentious trance music he had picked up a few months prior in a failed attempt to get with a raver chick that he had met during one of his lonely long lunches. Borelane was determined to finish the job, even if it was the last thing he ever did.

And it turned out, it was indeed the last thing he did. Borlane’s body was discovered Monday morning with a lengthy suicide note neatly typed up and placed on his supervisor’s desk. He had failed to categorize the porn videos in a thorough manner, and he had felt that he was a failure at the one thing he knew well. He had slashed his wrists and covered his wounds in plastic. Harry Borlane neatly bled to death in his tiny cubicle.

Sometimes evil is just hiding in plain sight. Sometimes the hiding place of evil is something as globally exposed as Japanese porn videos. Through the diligent efforts of freelance private investor Jack Charles Baker, we all have a chance to stop a plan to dominate the entire world through porn.

“What makes us watch those Japanese porn movies a lot, huh?” asked Baker with a suspicious look in his eye. “It’s those moans they make. Those Japanese girls have sex all noisy and shit, that it just couldn’t have been a mere coincidence. So I did some checking right? I watched as many Japanese porn movies I could, and listened to those moans. I interpreted them using Morse code, cause that’s how it all sounds, right? Short moans and long moans in random succession, I figured that it all had to mean something. And you will not believe what I found out!”

Baker reports that out of the many Japanese porn movies he’s studied, only one message consistently shows up among the gibberish. He decoded the phrases formed through Morse code, and Baker truly believes that the words that regularly come out are “WE WILL RULE. YOU SHALL FALL. SO SAYS ROBOTO”. Baker has taken it upon himself to find out who Roboto really is and figure out a way to stop him.

“Right now, all I have going for me are the porn videos. But, the sources of the movies I studied are varied, so it’s going to take some time to figure this problem out. I don’t know if this Roboto character is a person or a group, or even if he or she is even human, but Roboto scares me!”

Baker pleads for assistance in his mission to stop Roboto and possibly save the world. “A project like this, it’s going to take some cash, and cash is one thing I don’t have right now. Unfortunately, there has been a shortage in clients for Baker Investigations, the private dick agency I run. I think it’s a blessing in disguise though, cause I wouldn’t have stumbled upon this plot if I had my hands full with the usual cases!”

Those who wish to donate or lend financial assistance to Mr. Baker’s concern may send personal checks to Baker Investigations, PO Box 648, San Diego, California. “Please make out the check to Jackson Charles Baker. Remember, no amount is too small in the fight for Earth’s survival!”

What is a black porn breakfast? If you check out the soon to open restaurant in Europe, you’d discover that it’s a large blackened sausage with two eggs. That is the type of food one could expect when walking into the Porn Table.

The Porn Table is the brain child of two retired porn stars who had settled down in Europe. Being able to save enough money, the couple had decided to put up a business that they believe would be beneficial and fun. Jack Spurts and Dinah Deepthroat came up with the idea of a porn themed restaurant after dining out at a famous Hollywood themed restaurant and found it tacky. “There is nothing long lasting about the novelty of film props” said Spurts. “Porn memorabilia is much more fun.”

The restaurant will feature several larger than life posters of their favorite porn stars, as well as memorabilia from their favorite porn movies. The staff will be decked out in fan favorite porn costumes, from school girl outfits to latex BDSM get ups. The food is of top notch quality, and the menu will not surprisingly center around meat products. Aside from the black porn breakfast, customers can also expect various steaks and burgers with a naughty twist.

The dishes were Deepthroat’s idea, who always had a knack for cooking and grilling. “My latest creation is the Bukkake Burger. It’s this thick, double patty burger slathered in white cream. My husband says it looks kinda weird, but everyone who’s had a taste would tell you it’s delicious!”

There is also an abnormally large number of sausages in The Porn Table’s menu. “Well, you can’t have a porn themed restaurant without sausage, right? We have all kinds with different shapes and sizes.” Dinah happily bites into one as she finishes that statement.

To complete the genuine porn experience, the chairs and tables are customized to have that casting room feel. There are even vibrating chairs for the ladies. Spurts believes that the restaurant would be a big hit. “This is the one place where anyone can come over, have a nice meal, and just be themselves. There are no judgments, and we don’t discriminate in The Porn Table. Everyone over 18 is welcome to enjoy fine food and an unforgettable experience. I encourage everyone to drop by and have a taste of my wife’s hairy meat pie. It’s one of our specials.”