Posts Tagged ‘porn’

Teen Pornstar In A Public Row In Burger Joint

Sunday, January 17th, 2010

A quiet local burger joint was terrorized by the display of dramatics by a teen pornstar and her extremely jealous boyfriend yesterday in Fresno. The supposed loving couple went in and had themselves a quick meal when all of a sudden a veritable war was waged over their grease-filled dinner.

The argument started when the lovely adult film star started an innocent flirtation with the waiter, who was an underaged pimple-faced high school student. The boyfriend did not take kindly to the suggestive manner his girl had asked for a milkshake. The rather promiscuous young woman then followed it up by asking the waiter what he thought about her “milkshake” and if it indeed does “bring all the boys to the yard”. This did not sit well with the boyfriend, who verbally assaulted the already speechless waiter mercilessly. One could only expect spit burgers in the boyfriend’s immediate future. After successfully shooing away the waiter, the irate boyfriend turn his attention to the teen starlet. He was demanding an explanation as to why she “always had to flirt with someone who had something remotely resembling a cock”.

The young woman was aghast and apologetic, stating that the nature of her occupation did not afford her many other methods of interacting with the opposite sex. She mentioned that he should just accept that and move on, that he should just take her as she truly was or find someone else. These well intentioned but short sighted comments made matters worse. The boyfriend went on a tirade as to how one must make sacrifices and adjustments to make a relationship work. H delivered this argument with an increasing volume. It wasn’t long until the people in the diner were taking significant notice to the couple’s spat.

When the manager politely approached them about potentially ruining the other customers’ dining experience, he was greeted with a chorus of middle fingers ad carefully worded insults from the couple, each with a colorful remark that the manager will never forget for a long time. The manager then summoned security, one big guy named Rudy, to escort the couple out of the premises. The couple showed the same amount of disrespect to the security officer, pointing out hat he “looked like a constipated ape” in his uniform. The couple were so into it that their words have managed to reduce the manager, the guard, and a few other customers who had tried to join the fray to tears.

The couple had made up afterwards, but the incident will never be forgotten by everyone in attendance.

The Annual Bizarre Awards from You Porn

Saturday, January 16th, 2010

You Porn is planning to pave the way towards the complete recognition of the most bizarre porn videos online! The popular site is getting ready to have an awards show to reward those who have contributed in the slow moral decay of society. The awards show is still in the developmental stages, but fans are already showing a positive reaction about the proposed awards.

“It’s high time that everyone know how important these porn videos are in our lives” chimed in a loyal fan of bizarre porn. “Notice how the two girls one cup video earned its rightful place in mainstream media? Bizarre porn videos are ingrained in the minds of every true porn fanatic. It’s everyone’s guilty pleasure. We all want to go and see the weirdest shit they could wrap their minds around of. This would be a true tribute to everyone who really loves the art of porn.”

Regarding the criteria for judging which bizarre videos are a cut above the rest of the materials available on the ‘net, we sought the opinion of one porn veteran who also anxiously awaits the awards show. ”I think the one that carries with it the most potential for psychologically damaging the viewer enough that his or her everyday living is forever altered. It’s all about impact. If it doesn’t drive you crazy, it’s mostly not even bizarre enough to warrant attention. A truly bizarre video grabs everyone’s attention like a kick in the balls.”

The event is rumored to star former adult film star turned b-movie actress Tracy Lords. There will be several guests throughout the show, and the guest list is reportedly as bizarre as the nominated videos themselves. From Carrot Top to Ben Affleck, the guest list reads like a who’s who of the most unrelated people ever assembled in one space. The you porn Bizarre porn Awards night promises to be a three hour mind fuck that everyone would definitely enjoy. Another fan offered his insight. “I believe it’s going to be the best night in the history of the porn industry. When regular porn came out, everyone viewed it as outlandish and wild, bizarre even. But, now, it’s all considered the norm. Bizarre porn videos are the future of the entire industry, so I’m glad that these videos that are mostly known for novelty are getting something more. They will open up nothing but good things for the entire porn industry.”

An Adult Movie Threat Looms

Friday, January 15th, 2010

Somewhere, in a dark room, there is a meeting of powerful men. With nothing but an adult movie playing, the smoke filled chamber carries an atmosphere of intense reckoning. Once the movie is over, the man at the head of the table stood and finally spoke. His words are concise and to the point. The men he was conferring to would not have it any other way. And in a few short moments, a plan has been hatched. In a few short days, that plan would be executed.

The scene that was just described is an excerpt from the new underground literary masterpiece from 23 year old creative genius Matthew Stokes. His book, entitled “The Adult Movie Conspiracy”, is a riveting tale about a group of men who try to take over the world with the use of one porn video. This unpublished tale has many publishers abuzz, and its writer is flanked by offers. Stokes, surprisingly, is not quite ready to unleash his masterpiece on the printed paper.

“I just had a few of my book club friends read it” said Stokes. “As much as I loved their comments, both positive and negative, I think it still needs a bit of a tweak. There’s something still yet missing for me to be completely satisfied with my work.”

Stokes is a rather well known amateur writer, who has more than a dozen unfinished books under his belt. A literary teacher in a community college in the Midwest, Stokes is a truly gifted writer who just has trouble finishing what he starts. “Whenever a new idea comes into my mind, I often go ahead and start writing it immediately before the inspiration leaves me. That is why I’ve got a bunch of novels that I can no longer finish.”

It’s that touch and go enthusiasm that have destroyed the potential of thousands of other artists, but this does not bother Stokes one bit. “I don’t really care if I get published or not. As long as I’m writing, I’m happy. If people like what I read, then I’m happy. I don’t really feel the need to earn a living off the one thing I love most. Just doing it is enough of a fulfillment.”

Currently, “The Adult Movie Conspiracy” is turning a lot of heads, and the constant urging by peers may be enough for Stokes to try and actually finish the book.

Ruler With Iron Fist Hates Online Porn Videos

Thursday, January 14th, 2010

A small European country has for years lived under one man. A man that recently announced his hatred for online porn videos. He swirls around in his fortress day in and day out, plotting schemes in order to eliminate his biggest pet peeve after the quartet of heroes that oppose him at every turn. The dictator has called forth a nationwide meeting to address his people. It was to be in the countryside, wherein his words and stature would be in plain sight.

His face, though hidden behind an iron mask he had fashioned to hide is damaged countenance, conveyed the authority that was carried by his words. There was a hush among the country folk, and the people watching on TV in their homes — as they are required to, waited with baited breath as their ruler began speaking. “Online porn” he hissed. “It is despicable! I did not gather my resources to save this decrepit land only to have it fall into degeneracy! There are values that I strongly uphold, and make no mistake, this nation is my house! You are all under the roof that I have built and you shall all face doom if you have violated the rules of my house!”

The dictators voiced boomed over the country. A dreaded silence fell over the nation. The dropping of a pin would reverberate and break everyone’s ear drums upon impact on the ground. The voice of one young man then, deafened everyone but the dictator himself. “But.. it’s all we have…” the boy said while sweating bullets.

Seconds of tense silence fell over the citizens. The monarch stared at the young man with a glaring intensity. Then he spoke the two words that would forever ring in the mind of the young man. “Seize him.” From there, a small army of mechanized soldiers forcibly took the boy and brought him to the furious dictator. He was kneeling and gritting his teeth with increasing fury as well. “Who are you?” the dictator asked, eyes never leaving the young man’s angry face. The young man met his gaze bravely.

“I am but a simple accountant, with dreams of one day relishing the fruits of the loins of a beautiful woman not unlike those found in the videos.” A tear slowly rolled down his cheek. He knew it was the end, and he refused to accept redemption by denouncing the videos.

A surge of energy from the dictator’s gauntlet dashed the young man’s dreams forever.

Hot Porn Movies Destroy Writer’s Block

Wednesday, January 13th, 2010

Every writer has a method he or she uses to tap into a great well of ideas that allow him or her to create. One of the top screenwriters in Hollywood today reveals his method, and surprisingly, it involves hot porn movies. For someone who has been one of the writers to have created such cinematic classics as Ace Ventura 3, the prequel to The Dukes of Hazzard and Wrong Turn 3, he had reservations about revealing his method, but changed his mind and thought it would benefit the entire world. He did however insist on being kept anonymous.

“I’m not a selfish man, and I know the world needs a lot of good writers out there who are just like myself, so I’m willing to share the secret to my success. It’s porn.” he said with a smile. “Plain and simple. Porn just takes me to a comfortable place where I am able to do what I do best at my very best. My writing has been so much better after I’ve discovered the effects of porn to my creativity. It helped me get my big break, and landed me one of the screenwriter’s position in the movie Jury Duty. Do you remember that? The one with Pauly Shore? Those were some good stuff.”

Since Jury Duty, the writer has worked on some of the other Pauly Shore movies, all now considered to be classics. “I believe that as a writer, you are unstoppable once you find out what method works for you. I have friends that would write in the shower, or write in graveyards or cemeteries to boost their imaginations. Me? I just need a DVD of hot chicks getting it on with sex toys and I’m good to go.”

When asked about Internet porn, the writer merely shrugged. “It’s good that there’s a vast resource of porn out there for my consumption, but I don’t use it. Not because I’m a traditionalist or something. It’s just that I write while I watch porn, and when I write I use my laptop. If, however, my next project pushes through, I might be able to afford a separate computer that’s strictly for porn purposes.”

His next project is reportedly a sequel to the classic early 90s horror movie “The Seventh Sign”. Lou Diamond Phillips is set to reprise his lead role in the movie, and Pauly Shore will be added to the cast as Phillips’ quirky sidekick.

Task Force of Porn Models To Deal With Porn Crimes

Monday, January 11th, 2010

Justice is best served cold by people who just happen to be hot. A renegade task force of crime fighters have assembled to fight the porn crimes that plague the industry. Composed exclusively of porn models, this unit is created to fight all those that threaten the peace and the noble craft of adult filmaking. The team is comprised of seven porn stars who each have a special skill to contribute in the fight against porn crime.

Many people would wonder what sort of crime happens within the supposedly happy go lucky porn set. What people fail to realize is that like the rest of the world, the porn set is abundant with dangers and suspicious characters. There are peeping toms that are always lurking around to invade the privacy of our porn stars. There are people who wish to steal bootlegs for a quick buck. And then there are perverts who steal used panties and other used porn set paraphernalia.

While the identities of these crime fighters remain secret for the safety of their loved ones, they have made it public that they will not show any remorse when apprehending and stopping felons. “There was a time when I would feel uncomfortable whenever I’m in a porn set” said porn star Tina Jizzguzzlerwitz. “I used to always be a nervous wreck whenever I walk in a porn set because of the knowledge that there troublemakers who are looking to take advantage. But when I heard of these vigilantes, no, when I heard of these heroes, I now come to work with confidence.”

The normal M.O. for these crime fighters is to catch their bad guy, tie him or her up and leave the criminal with a ball gag in the mouth and a strap on up the ass for all the world to see. This has been their calling card ever since catching their first criminal, the pervert named Trevor Von Hooverstamp. Hooverstamp claims he cannot identify his assailants. His eyes were fixed on their huge boobs and hanging dicks. It was learned that Von Hooverstamp was caught sneaking in at a closed shoot.

“And I would have gotten away too, if it wasn’’t for those meddling porn stars!”

Fee Porn Suffering from Cyber Jackasses

Sunday, January 10th, 2010

Stealing is not a new problem. In fact, the act of stealing has both been condemned and glorified by the media and the general populace in different points in time. Pirates are generally viewed as vile, evil people. That is, until Johnny Depp puts on the frilly outfit and talks like a certain Rolling Stone bassist.

Thieves are often considered to be scum. With the sheer exception of Danny Ocean and his eleven other cohorts, all of whom took part in the ruining a devious casino owner. And all because the casino owner banged Ocean’s squeeze. Yes, the world has suffered enough atrocities from pirates both real and fictional, and from in and out of cyberspace. Now, the fee porn industry has been feeling its effects.

Being a business that survives on the promise of providing exclusive porn content for a very reasonable fee, the owners of these websites mostly no longer have a firm sense of “exclusivity”. With more and more technologically savvy individuals born everyday, the market has not only experienced an increase in the demand curve, but also suffered the effects of being cheated over. Streaming videos, downloads, and all other sites that feature previews of the supposed exclusive content are acceptable. But there have been more than several cases where there has been illegal distribution of the material. Like in other media, pirates steal life-giving revenue away from the porn producers, thereby endangering the entire industry. Who can imagine a world where there is no constant update of porn? While it’s arguable that the amount of porn that already exists would be enough to appease the general populace for a few more years, knowing that there is a possibility that the porn supply would inevitably diminish is frightening.

So now comes the question, how do we stop this sordid abuse on our beloved porn? What is the fitting punishment for those who endanger the very industry that has seen most of us through the darkest periods of our lives. Is death enough? Or is it too merciful? We should ask ourselves what sort of possessive evil would it take to make a man take from the world one of its sheer wonders? What punishment would fit a man who would deprive future generations of the joy of porn?

Think about it. They must all perish.

How To Make Life Pass By Like Pay-Per-Minute Porn Movies

Saturday, January 9th, 2010

Life is complicated. With the numerous schools of thought designed to make life simpler than it actually is, one philosophy embraces the fulfillment of one’s basic needs to achieve that goal. One can actually follow the lessons of pay per minute porn and apply it to one’s way of life. Indeed, it is an unorthodox medium from which to derive any form of improvement, but this does make sense. For a man who wishes to lead a simple life, one must choose to do things in the simplest way possible.

This pay per minute programs work by using the best form of minimalism available. A person who wishes to indulge in the joys of pornographic materials no longer needs to spend more than what he or she is actually using. The cost of enjoyment is only equal to the actual amount of enjoyment patronized.

By the same token, life can be lived in such a manner. By focusing on the needs more than the wants, and maintaining a sense of contentment through the achievement of one’s basic goals, the quality of one’s life would be greatly improved. It is existentialist in principle. If essence comes after existence, and one would not devote one’s self to a misleading sense of purpose, the chance of disappointment or dissonance is greatly decreased.

To expect nothing more of life than what is initially agreed upon, or determined by the person in control of his own life, one will always achieve what is expected. There is a correlation between what one hopes to happen and what one considers to be inevitable. A mere lessening of the hope factor and further analysis of the inevitable would yield only satisfactory results. If one chooses to eliminate extremes and over abundance, one is able to live within the sphere of one’s own control.

Of course, opposing opinions would point out the diminishing of the human potential. When a person abandons any ambition to achieve the unthinkable progress of not only the individual but society in general would be hindered. Alas, that is where valuing comes to play. Determine what is truly important, and focus on maintaining the achievement of merely the vital parts of one’s existence. Like porn that you pay for by the minute, there would be a great reduction of the unnecessary, in essence giving the doer a clear cut sense of direction and purpose.

Adult Sex Videos As A New Trend In Romance

Friday, January 8th, 2010

Back in the Eighties and early Nineties, guys giving out mix tapes to their girlfriends are all the rage. Some of the cheesier individuals still practice the seemingly archaic mating ritual. Nowadays people would burn a CD or even just exchange songs from their iPods. A lot of A-listers smooth things over with their significant others by giving each other DVD’s of their adult sex videos.

It has become common practice for couples to videotape themselves during coitus. This is one of the biggest benefits that came with the advancements of home video technology. And now that the reproduction of said videos is as easy as making them, many people have used their computers to edit their most intimate moments and turn them into an ideal anniversary gift. One B-level celebrity, who had requested anonymity, revealed this new gift giving idea. “It’s a great way to celebrate your love and affection for each other. Those are your private moments. It’s the one thing that only you and he can have, so why not immortalize it in video? Making a porn mix tape is just a splendid way of recounting all the good and bad times.”

The news of this recent discovery created a bit of a stir. Entertainment journalists now got their game faces on and their panties in a twist rabidly searching for any wayward sex videos they could get their hands on. “I don’t doubt for a second that those leeches can manage to get their hands on something that personal” commented an anonymous celebrity. “But I do hope they refrain from invading people’s privacy. Respect from the paparazzi is something that no amount of appeal to their sense of decency would bring about, but one can hope. I mean, these mix tapes aren’t your run of the mill sex videos, you know. These are two people celebrating their love, albeit in a non-conventional way.”

When asked about the most famous couples that she knows for a fact give each other these types of videos, the anonymous celebrity just cracked a smile.” Honey, you really have no idea, do you? Everyone does it! I wouldn’t be surprised if anyone who has access to equipment neglect to do it. What’s the point, right? It’s like having a webcam chat and you’re not naked.”

Little Rodent Likes to Download Porn Videos

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

It’s a classic story about the relationship between a man and his pet. Luke had had his pet hamster for several years before he discovered that his beloved pet can download porn videos. The hamster named Nicole has been extraordinarily special in Luke’s eyes, but he had no idea how special until the hamster was left free in front of Luke’s computer.

Luke had come from a party and had more than a few drinks in his system when he took out Nicole to play with. He passed out, and the hamster who had spent a long time watching her master download porn, sprung into action. The animal had instinctively developed the ability to find and download adult videos from Luke’s favorite sites. It’s like a sicker version of Alvin and the Chipmunks.

“Imagine my surprise when I woke up and saw my download queue was full of adult movies” said an astonished Luke. “I initially assumed that I was entirely too drunk to remember that I downloaded the movies. But when I checked the time the download started, I saw that it was well beyond the time I was sure I was unconscious. The only logical conclusion was Nicole.”

Luke put his theory to the test however, putting the animal in front of the computer and waited. After dilly dallying for a few seconds, the hamster crawled over the keyboard and moved the mouse immediately to open the porn sites that Luke frequented. Luke felt his knees tremble at the sight of his pet quickly and accurately processing downloads for him.

“It’s just a shame that I’m not able to make money off this discovery. After all, the only thing that this says to the world is that I download so much porn that my pet had actually adapted the skill to do so.”

A lot of the luminaries in the field of animal behavior tend to disagree with Luke’s previous statement. Noted animal psychologist Dr. Erving Nuts in particular would love to examine Nicole’s behavior. ”Regardless of what the owner has been preoccupied with that led to Nicole’s amazing discovery, this is definitely an amazing breakthrough. Imagine what the government can do with hyper-intelligent hamsters that could operate machinery as complex as computers. Imagine what else we could possibly teach these creatures? We could even send them into space!”

Currently, Luke has not yet answered any invitation from Dr. Nuts to examine his furry friend.

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