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Times are so hard that people have stopped giving to the less fortunate. A Cleveland-based charitable institution has found a way to solve that. Understanding the fact that people these days need at least some incentive before trying to reach into their pockets, the Cleveland Cares Foundation have decided to entice potential donors and volunteers with the ability to freely download porn videos.

Coordinating with a top porn website, a donation of a certain amount or rendering a specific amount of volunteer hours gives one access to the exclusive content provided for the CCF. While this is not the only incentive available to interested parties, t has become quickly the most popular and effective one. The founder of CCF, Ken Thurmgood, is very pleased. “The adult film industry is one thin that I’m grateful for. To tell you the truth, I never really expected to get more assistance from the porn industry than I do from the government. Shows all of us not to judge a person by the number of times their anatomy had been invaded by a foreign object.”

Things are also looking up for the volunteers who had been to CCF for a long time. “To be completely frank,” said Irma, a middle aged volunteer for CCF. “I was at first wary of their help. After all, what would the community say? Well, Mr. Thurmgood’s gut instincts tell him that it’s a right course of action.”

This decision by Thurmgood and his band of do-gooders have not been wet met with has seen more than its fair share of opposition. The CCF still remains undaunted n their cause. “Just because they do adult movies doesn’t mean that they can’t be contributing members of society.” Thumgood beams as he says these words. “And like I’ve said, they’ve done more for Cleveland’s less fortunate than most so-called morally superior individuals.”

The CCF has made it a point to shun all the righteous detractors from their cause, focusing only a results-based program t help the people of Cleveland Thurmgood and the rest of his people also hope that their actions inspire other non-government charitable institutions to take bolder steps to achieve their goals. “The world is becoming more and more competitive, and it’s hard for guys like us who just want to help out. If people would rather spend their money on porn, then basically that’s what we’re offering. With an extra dose of charity, of course.”

He’s smarter than the average bear, and if you’ve seen his adult sex video. You know that Yogi Bear is superior in other ways besides intellect. Over the years there has been an onslaught of cartoon sex videos, thanks largely to the proliferation of flash animation and an entire generation of perverts. From the Flintstones having orgies with the Rubbles, to the cast of Family Guy getting it on, beloved cartoon characters have been used in some of the sickest ways imaginable.

A recent survey of fans of these kinds of videos indicated that Yogi Bear’s sex video is surprisingly at the top of the list. Yogi Bear, though a beloved cartoon character from the golden age of Hanna Barbera Cartoons dating back to the 70s, does not measure in popularity against bigger cartoon icons like the Simpsons or Disney characters. However, Yogi’s indecent behavior with love interest Lulu has garnered the most nods, slightly edging out the classic Aladdin porn video.

There are other notable mentions in this category. Fans have voted that the Gundam scene in the classic Dragonball Z/Sailor Moon porn movie as officially the weirdest animated porn scene anyone has ever seen. The movie is a crossover of two popular anime series, and it included other popular anime characters as well. In the said scene, a Gundam robot gets it on with one of the mechs from Neon Genesis Evangelion!

Voted in for the most disturbing animated porn video is Garfield, who’s seen banging Arlene, the uppity female cat of his dreams. The scenes from the movie show everyone get some sex action, including Odie and Jon. Man’s best friend indeed. A close second to this is the scene from the Simpsons sex video, where after watching his best friend Milhouse get it on with his sister Lisa, Bart joins in on the action for some incestuous fun.

Fans also have some requests for upcoming animated flicks. Porn fans and comic book geeks alike would love to see a porn version of Justice League Unlimited. Imagine Wonder Woman, Hawkgirl, Vixen and Supergirl getting nailed simultaneously at super speed by the Flash! Fans also want to see all ten of Ben 10’s alien incarnations have a shot at some pussy. People are also clamoring for some porn involving video game characters, like Lara Croft, Jill Valentine, Princess Toadstool and the rest of the cast of Super Mario Bros., and of course, Mrs. Pac Man.

As human beings, it is only natural for is to speculate on what is the best in every field, industry or line. The porn industry is no different, and now several online fans are raising the age old question. What is indeed the best porn video ever? If Citizen Kane is considered to be the greatest American film of all time, and Watchmen is considered to be the finest graphic novel in the history of comic books, then it’s time to determine which porn video truly is the crown jewel in the world of adult films.

The world’s leading experts on porn are now being assembled and they would be studying countless hours of porn videos. Their representative, Thurman Sparks, who holds the title for watching the most porn videos in one day, recently revealed this campaign in a press conference. ”It’s high time to give that one video the honor of being the greatest of all time. It’s time to recognize the Muhammad Ali of fuck videos.”

When asked about what criteria is to be used to judge the validity of a porn video, Sparks took several moments to truly get down to it. “For me, personally, one measurement of the greatness of any porn video is its timelessness. It can be very old, but no matter how many times you watch it, it still inspires you to do things to yourself that many people believe would lead to blindness. But that’s just me.”

With the determination of the greatest porn video of all time, comes the formation of the official porn quality council, which Sparks will be a part of. Sparks screams about being a proud member. Despite Sparks’ enthusiasm, the entire list of council members remains confidential. It has been reported, and Sparks confirms this, that the list reads like a who’s who of people in the porn industry, from award winning directors to screen legends, as well as people like Sparks, who are hardcore fans of hardcore movies.

The council’s first act would be to declare the best porn video ever by the end of this year. “It is truly time for a golden age in pornography. I dare say that a porn revolution is at hand. It’s all coming together. The crowning of the video that is worthy. The formation of the brotherhood. It is but a matter of time before our pornographic hordes overrun the entire world!”

For David, a life wherein he’s not able to download porn videos is an equivalent to life in hell. Online porn has been a huge part of his life ever since he’s stumbled unto the medium back in his schooling years. For him, it was as close to the feeling of obsession he could ever get. For porn, he had been shunned by family, he had turned his back on real lovers, and has turned off a few friends. He didn’t mind it one bit. He had found a little nook of happiness that he was never going to give up for any reason.

All that changed a few months ago, when he met her. For him, it was one of those turning points. A defining moment in which he ascertained that what had made him happy before was but a mere substitute until he found her. Porn was just something to close the gap, like that little sandwich people would have in between meals just to appease hunger.

Her name was Anna, and she was new. In every sense of the word. She was the new reception in the small office David had found himself working for two years, doing a job that would enable him to still enjoy his porn even during work hours. She was nothing like any other girl he had ever met. She amazed him on a level that no one and nothing else could, not even porn.

David pursued her with vigilance. They were hitting it off splendidly, and each knew that there was no other person that could be a matter match than they were for each other. There was just a small problem. Anna and her family, with their deeply rooted faith and rigid beliefs against pornography,, David had to make a choice. Things were going so well, until she had fiddled around his computer at his place and found gigabytes of downloaded smut. It was as if her mental image of the man she had quickly become so enamored with had suddenly diminished and was replaced by a pervert. Needless to say, she left him.

All the downloaded porn in the world could not make David crack a smile or even a grin. Hehad to make things right. So after several weeks of non-communication, David stood in front of Anna’s house, carrying the speakers playing their songs as loud as possible high above his head. When the girl opened a window and saw the smitten man’s gesture, she smiled with hesitation. David finished off by destroying the computer in front of her and going on a speech about how much she is loved. He had given up porn for her and destroyed his computer to win the girl.

Deleting the material would have sufficed, but not as romantic.

It is said that to push a person past the brink of insanity, all he needs is one bad day. In the span of one day, the life of Harold Finkle, a middle aged construction worker from Charlotte, has unraveled like a cheap sweater that’s fallen prey to a group of yarn obsessed cats. It was a day the Finkle would not be able to remember, but it’s one that he will undoubtedly never forget.

The following story is based on the gathered accounts from friends and family, and from Howard himself, during rare moments of lucidity. It was a day that started with bacon and eggs, ended with video porn. It is a story that led Howard into a padded cell somewhere, with no discernible hope of freedom.

Howard Finkle was a quiet man, a man of simplistic tastes. He had taken on a construction job because he loved working with his hands. He was enthralled by the very idea of creating something with his bare hands. He was indeed a worker’s worker. He lived with his wife, a subtle beauty who has enjoyed a quiet life with her loving husband. Sadly, the two were unable to bear a child. Despite problems, Finkle always made sure that they would see them through as a couple.

In the week of the incident, Finkle’s wife had decided to stay at her mother’s place. It was a Monday that felt different for Finkle. Aside from the fact that it was the first time he had cooked breakfast for himself in several years, he was just not used to being alone. He cooked, or attempted to cook, bacon and eggs, which ended up in the garbage disposal. Co-workers claim that Finkle had been complaining all day that his breakfast was inedible. On his way to work, an unexpected traffic jam along with a series of misfortunes put Finkle in the worst of moods. According to his colleagues, Finkle spent several minutes arguing with his foreman after arriving. The rest of the day, Finkle’s mood was getting progressively worse.

It was alter learned that Finkle had been let go, and he was to serve his final two weeks, a mere courtesy from the foreman. It was also later learned that Finkle had been suffering from the bills piling up, and the pressure of supporting himself and his wife with a very modest salary was starting to take over him. The straw that broke the camel’s back occurred when Finkle arrived home.

Uncharacteristically, Finkle went online looking for porn in an effort to relieve some stress. Finkle was found the next day, staring blankly at the monitor as a singular porn video on loop. Finkle claims that his wife was in the video, getting anally violated by another man.

Finkle now is in a mental institution, with very little chance for recovery.

A man in Kentucky is about to make history, and it all started over a bottle of Grey Goose. Wade Johnson went to his friend’s house for a night of drinking one Saturday night, and he walked out with a bet that promises to snag him over twenty thousand dollars. And all he has to do to earn that small fortune is to watch porn online.

The details of the bet are simple. Wade has to watch 18 hours of online sex videos a day. No repeats, no stopping. If he manages to do this for an entire month, all of Wade’s friends who were in attendance that night would contribute to pay Wade twenty thousand big ones. His friends would be checking him at his apartment at random times a day and they will also be checking up on him via remote desktop. Wade has to divide the remaining 6 hours with sleep and bathroom breaks. As additional proof, Wade has to catalog every single porn video he watches and the length, just to ensure that by month’s end, he has hit the right amount of hours to win the money. The unemployed Wade sees this as a golden opportunity.

“Eighteen hours a day for an entire month” said the fatigued Wade. “It’s not as easy as people would think, but then again, it’s not that hard.”

Wade has just finished one week of this crazy bet. “At first it was hard,, because I have to cook and eat my meals as well, and even after a week, I still haven’t developed the stomach that would enable me to eat and watch some guy drilling a girl with his big penis just yet.”

When asked if he ever pleasured himself during the week that he’s been committed to the bet, Wade was completely honest. “The first couple of days, I was jacking off like crazy. By the third day, watching it just became sort of a job. It’s becoming really tiring.”

His friends have serious doubts, of course, as to whether or not Wade can pull through. “Wade has always been one of those people that can’t finish what he starts. We’re all pretty sure that halfway through he’d be out of the game.”

Wade resented that comment. “I’ll show them. I’ll show them all. I may not be able to do a lot, but if there were championships for sitting around and just watching porn, I’d have a dynasty going. It would be a distinct pleasure proving them wrong as I spend their hard earned money.”

Just when you thought Japanese porn videos can’t get any more off beat, a production company in Japan is in the works of producing a brand new Godzilla movie, porn style! The King of Monsters, had become a pop culture icon ever since he first appeared on the big screen, terrorizing Tokyo and forever adding a new Japanese stereotype in everyone’s minds.

Godzilla’s instant success and cult following led to numerous sequels which turned the terrifying giant lizard into a protagonist. Godzilla was shown mindlessly protecting Japan against other large monsters like Mothra, Ghidora and even a mechanized version of the Big Lizard himself. This upcoming incarnation of Godzilla is going to indeed be a porno, but the producers are vowing to honor Godzilla’s tradition.

“We are not going to short change fans with a disgraceful version of Godzilla” said producer Hideko Yamaguchi. “The movie will still have some awesome clashes with other monsters, and there will also be hot hardcore sex scenes involving the human characters as well as the monsters themselves.”

Fans have reacted to the rumors of this upcoming movies, pointing out that in the classic Godzilla vs. Mecha-Godzilla flick, the beloved abomination was not only one of its kind, but also a hermaphrodite, and showing Godzilla having sex with anything would be ridiculous. Yamaguchi requests for the fans faith. “I have grown up loving the Godzilla mythos, and I will not do anything to disrespect the canon. The script is wonderful and true to the originals, and the details would be revealed in the movie itself.”

Yamaguchi also confirms appearances from other Godzilla characters. “Ghidorah, the three headed serpent, would definitely have a major role in the movie, and Biolante, the living plant will also appear. Both creatures, with one’s multiple heads and the other’s numerous tendrils would make for very shocking sex scenes.”

Regarding the special effects, Yamaguchi has revealed that they will go through the old school approach and will be utilizing rubber suits instead of CGI. The movie is also more story driven than your average porn. “The premise is basically the same as the old Godzilla movies” said Yamaguchi. “Only instead of the humans trying to defend against a rampaging monster destroying Tokyo, they will be defending against two monsters destroying Tokyo while having sex.”

No confirmation, however, verifying the rumors that popular Japanese porn star Maria Ozawa will be involved in the project.

It’s a question that has always been raised ever since man has reached the moon. Is there intelligent life out there? And by “there”, people refer to outer space. Science fiction movies are loaded with aliens usually bent on universal conquest, but where is it all based? Since man has achieved some form of space travel, it’s likely that there are beings on other worlds that have, as well. And if they do show up n our skies, how will we be able to defend ourselves in a conflict, when our most potent military weapons are as destructive to ourselves as they are against “them”.

A scientist from NASA, a firm believer in the existence of alien beings, has a theory as to why we have not seen any unexpected visitors in the planet. She believes that aliens avoid our planet because of porn. “NASA has been sending transmissions of random things into space. Music, videos from popular movies and television shows just to somehow give any beings out there an idea of human life” explained NASA scientist Christina Lee. She reveals what she thinks is a folly done by her predecessors I the research center.

“Apparently, someone thought it would be amusing to beam out porn videos, particularly those starring teen pornstars into space. And I believe that’s what’s scaring off those creatures!” Lee explains thoroughly why she believes that the videos are the reason why any form of contact had been possible. “Think about it this way. The aliens would not have any idea that what they’re actually watching is our way of mating. In many ways, they could see the teen porn and get the impression that they’re torture videos. Some of them literally are! These videos could have caused any alien who was on his way here and perhaps provide us useful insight of the universe and space travel to say ‘fuck it’ and turn around.”

When asked why she thinks no one tries and removes the porn videos from the broadcast, Lee just raises her arms in the air and shrugs. “Those guys back then may have fucked up the human race’s ability for space travel. And for what? For some juvenile kicks, that’s what. If I didn’t need this job to support the hundred cats I like with, I’d quit.”

In space, it is said that no one can hear you scream. Not even when being assaulted by a thick dildo.

After the grisly events of last weekend, Howard now believes that hot porn videos are very hazardous to his health. Currently, Howard lies in a hospital bed, with a cast around his pelvis, wondering if his life would ever be the same again.

It started out as a normal Saturday morning for the 25 year old Michigan resident. He woke up, had coffee and read the paper. It was about as perfect as perfect as could be. Everything was going alright until his phone rang. It was his friend, inviting him to a party for that night, promising Howard that he’ll be introduced to a very comely female. With several hours to prepare, it dawned on the rather lonely guy that the possibility of him getting laid that night was rather high. This thought made Howard nervous. He felt totally unprepared in the likelihood of any sexual activities that would take place.

Howard decided to use the day preparing for what seemed to him was inevitable. After fixing himself a hearty breakfast, Harold went online to peruse videos of the adult nature, hoping to catch a few tips. It was a day of learning for Harold. He viewed hours of footage and he studied every second of it. Living alone, he turned the volume of his speakers up. He wanted to be totally immersed in what he was watching.

The noise the videos were generating apparently was bothering his neighbor, who thought Howard was engaged in a rather loud session of love making. Incensed, the neighbor decided to give Howard a scare, pounding on his door. Naturally, Howard was not able to hear the knocks, which made the neighbor more irate.

Howard’s neighbor was a former police officer who had an affinity for collecting guns. His neighbor took a shotgun and decided to really make sure Howard’s racket ceased. Another forceful series of knocking went ignored, and the neighbor kicked the door to Howard’s small apartment in.

The surprised Howard turned and saw his neighbor with the shotgun, and the following incidents seemed to be too fast to process. Howard was taken over by either embarrassment of being caught watching videos or the angry armed man in his front door, and the only decision left to Howard it seemed was to jump out the window of his apartment, The fall from the second story broke Howard’ pelvis. His neighbor called for an ambulance, embarrassed for his outburst.

He used to be an avid viewer of adult porn videos, but now a man in Atlanta claims to prefer watching insects to turn him on. Raymond Garcia, a 27 year old unemployed writer discovered the undeniable sensual effect insects have on him after he caught a grasshopper in his backyard. Placing the grasshopper inside a glass jar, Raymond suddenly became enchanted with the sight of the creature. He ended up staring at the grasshopper for a several seconds, and was surprised to know that he was suddenly developing an erection.

Raymond claims that the reaction was not any symptoms of dementia. “It was just the grace with which it moved, it reminded me of the fluid motions the human bodies make while fornicating.”

It was not long until Garcia completely immersed himself in this new passion, collecting bugs and encasing them in glass in one of the rooms in his two bedroom apartment. He calls this room the “erotic hive”, where he would spend a few minutes each day admiring the critters. He also did this t get him in the mood whenever he was fortunate enough to get a date to come home with him. He even considered putting some of them inside his room, but decided against it. Not many of his partners shared his passion for insects.

“I once placed a jar of centipedes by my bed during one date that was supposed to be going well. My lady friend however lost any desire after seeing it. I think she thought I was a serial killer or something, and left.” Raymond remains undaunted, however, and continues to capture and care for the insects that he finds so scintillating.

He has even tried looking for a perfect insect loving partner through online dating sites, which turned out to be another fruitless endeavor. “I really don’t get what the big deal is. These are beautiful creatures, and they fill me with nothing but thoughts of desire. Not towards the insects, of course, but the glory of the diversity of living creatures.”

Garcia’s family finds this particular new hobby of Raymond a tad unsettling, but has decided to accept it. “My son is a special boy, always has been” said his mother. “If he finds happiness in such an activity, I would support him. Right now, my primary concern is that he finds a job and straightens his life out. Other than that, I don’t particularly care if he likes insects so much.”