The Porn Pay-Per-View Network

Back in the Nineties, the beloved Disney animated movie The Lion King was the subject of much controversy. There is a scene in the movie where Simba, the lead character, slumped down on a patch of flowers in disappointment after a harsh conversation with his father’s ghost. This caused the petals to float in the air. For a split second, the petals formed the word “sex”. To make matters worse, it was a child who noticed this. The scandalous situation had cost Disney a lot of money and the entire industry of animation now have been under close scrutiny. Now, more than a decade later, Disney is striking back through the world’s top porn sites.

In many of the online porn videos, the existence of “hidden Mickeys” has been discovered. To those who are not aware, “hidden Mickeys” are the Mickey Mouse logos that Disney usually litters its TV shows and movies with. They challenge the fans to find these cleverly hidden marketing tools. Now subtly visible in porn, these “hidden Mickeys” threaten to do more than just amuse people. It could potentially ruin the entire porn industry.

In an ironic twist, it was a balding, middle aged man by the name of Bob Samson noticed Disney’s subtle revenge scheme. What makes it ironic is that Samson is the distant cousin of the kid who saw the word “sex” in the Lion King, Samson finds Disney’s “hidden Mickey” attack on porn to be very distasteful. “Who the hell wants to think about Mickey Mouse when watching porn? If you ask me, that sort of thing is nothing short of evil, man.”

No one from Walt Disney offered to comment on the situation, but the general consensus among those within the porn industry is that Disney has crossed the line. Adult film star Balls E. Normous thinks that this could be a danger to his livelihood. “It’s all subliminal advertising, yo. Like indoctrination. The more people watch those ‘Mickeyed’ up videos, pretty soon they’ll be watching cartoons instead of my movies!”

If what Normous believes to be true, are there steps being taken to avoid a decline in the number of porn viewers? Normous remains peeved and troubled about the possibility.. “If this fucks up my business, I’m personally heading down to Disneyworld and give each and everyone of them a different kind og ‘hidden Mickey’”.

In an effort to to separate the top quality porn from its lesser counterparts, the Global Porn Council (GPC) has declared that it would launch a standard of quality certification for all of porn, starting with the world’s top porn sites. The main objective of this project is to ensure that the consumer has a clear idea of what to expect before subscribing or becoming a member to any particular website.

The head of the GPC, Jack “Thunderballs” Spears explains the rationale behind the GPC’s rather unusual project. “It’s not really unusual at all. We have the Better Business Bureau and other organizations whose purpose is to watch out for the consumers’ interest. That is one of the lesser known functions of the GPC. This is our way of ensuring the longevity of the porn industry by taking care of our audience.”

“Imagine subscribing to a pay site that has a great tour but when you actually start paying you discover that it’s shit. True, you can just cancel membership at any time, but it would still be a waste of time and money. The GPC grading certificates would let our clientele know what they can expect for their hard earned bucks.”

Several questions have been raised regarding the process of grading and the integrity of some of the judgments in quality the GPC would be doing. Spears assures the people that the grading system would be completely objective with the criteria completely laid out. Also, to ensure the accuracy of a certain sites grade, each website would have to go through examination from three different sets of board members. The websites have to pass all three board reviews iin order to garner a perfect score.

Currently, the criteria for judging are still being determined by the head honchos of the GPC. Despite being the industry’s leading experts, the GPC is still doing extensive research as to what does qualify as a top notch porn site. Spears adds, “Taking into consideration the numerous genres of porn, and the different fan bases these sites have, this would take some time. We are aiming for the highest possible level of accuracy with our reviews, so we’re definitely taking into consideration the dedicated fans of each and every genre. Further analysis is still definitely required. But, we do plan on finishing up and implementing the grading come March of next year. There is just no way we’re doing this half-assed.”