The Porn Pay-Per-View Network

A teenage girl in Ohio preparing for a Halloween party nearly suffers from sheer embarrassment. Hillary, a 16 year old high school student, organized a nice little Halloween sleepover with her friends. To truly get into the spirit of things, she goes online and attempts to download a bunch of classic 80s and 90s slasher movies. On her queue were titles like “I Know What You Did Last Summer”, “Scream”, both the original and remake versions of “Prom Night” and the overlooked classic “Valentine”.

As she’s checking the quality of her movies, with her mother, one turned out to be an unintentional porn download. When she checked her queue once more, she had apparently downloaded “I Know WHO You Did Last Summer”. The mother was so incensed that Hillary was grounded, thereby all hopes of throwing a Halloween eve slumber party were crushed. Her Internet privileges were revoked as well. Because of this tragedy, Hillary is now out looking for justice.

“I wasn’t my fault. How could I have known?” asked a seemingly inconsolable Hillary. The teen girl has now filed an official complaint against porn spoofs being too similar to the movies they parody. Hillary discovered that she was not a lone victim of this shocking dilemma.

Mary Watson, a mother from Wisconsin has filed the same complaint against certain porn companies. “I am not against pornography. Some people are into that, I respect that. I myself have indulged in a skin flick or two in my day, especially when my husband and I are preparing for love making. But when I saw from my kid’s laptop that he was down loading a movie titled In Diana Jones, I knew that sort of thing just had to stop. My little girl is not old enough to see that kind of thing.”

Similar complaints rage from all parts of the nation. Who is to blame in this cinematic crisis? Is it the producers of such movies for not exerting more effort into protecting the young from their adult content? Is it the parents for not supervising their children? Is it the Internet itself, with its endless access of unfiltered information? Maybe it is society, who tolerate the profane disgracing of cinematic masterpieces?

Maybe the blame lies in people like Hillary and Mary, who fail to realize that downloading movies is considered illegal and a slap in the face of intellectual rights.

There are several rumors circulating that the Adult Film Industry (AFI) is trying to create stronger brand name recognition by unveiling a mascot that would symbolize the collective industry. They wanted a lovable character who everyone can relate to. It is said that they are now scouring for porn models to produce a representative for the entire skin flick industry. What’s incredible about the circulating rumors is that there are a good number of people who actually believe it’s a good idea.

“Imagine if we had something like the McDonald’s Golden Arches for the Adult Film Industry” said one independent porn producer. While the thought of being in a business that involves some of the silliest ideas on earth can be quite amusing to many, one has to admit that comparing the porn to a global fast food chain borders on a level of ridiculous that not even a porn writer (if they do exist) could possibly conjure up. “Don’t tell me you can’t imagine the golden arches with nipples on top” he added.

Whimsical thoughts aside, we sought out the opinion of those who truly matter in the subject: the audience. A recent poll churned out some very interesting, albeit disturbing, results.

“A guy with his thing inside a pizza box would be funny as hell” said a guy no one would definitely be ordering pizzas from.

“Maybe one of the popular porn stars could just act as a liaison for the porn industry, someone hot and with big boobs” suggested by a marketing major from a prestigious university. In all fairness, he would probably graduate with flying colors with an imagination like that.

“A pool boy and a warrior princess” said one correspondent.

“I’d like to see giant dick” said a man we were not quite sure was even aware of our question.

If the rumors are true, then one can conclude that the era of the skin flick carrying any sort of mystique and respect is truly dead. Dashed are hopes of the Adult Film Industry of ever obtaining what has seemed to be, for several years, one of their more potent goals, to be regarded as a craft with class. Of course, the AFI has never been an industry without humor, but honestly, is there an actual need for a mascot? When you already rake in millions upon millions of dollars even without any publicity utilized, it is safe to say that the AFI is doing good, even without the attention seeking stunts.