Posts Tagged ‘porn video’

The World’s Best Sex Video Thief Makes Identity KnownThe World’s Best Sex Video Thief Makes Identity Known

Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

For several years, many have only whispered about the man that’s known as the world’s best sex video thief. His exploits at acquiring sex tapes and the like are nothing but legendary. If there is a porn video in existence that he wanted to get his hands on, there is no force on Earth that could stop him from his goal. He is the best at what he does.

A few days ago, however, a tape surfaced among the Illuminati who were familiar with the man’s work. The tape featured, for the first time, the legendary thief’s face and a very special announcement. The thief revealed his true identity, Ignacio, and declared that he will be retiring from the craft that had made him such a famous, or infamous, figure.

Many pondered if this is truly the end of this legend. There are hundreds of questions and rumors that are circulating around porn collectors. A great contingent of these collectors believe the tape is nothing but a hoax. This is nothing more than some punk looking to grab on to fifteen minutes of fame. Others, however, are not so skeptical. Many wonder if he had passed on his skills and gifts to a young protégé, if there was someone out there.

Even Ignacio himself did not offer any reason for retiring, nor any explanation behind his decision to reveal his identity now. It is the lack of these explanations that raise the collective eyebrows of the skeptics. One of the many popular theories that are circulating is that the man on the tape is being framed by the true Ignacio himself, as the identity of the man on the video has not been verified as of yet.

Whether or not Ignacio is the genuine article, and whether or not the general consensus of the people still cannot agree on the validity of the video, everyone has expressed an enormous amount of respect for the man and the legacy he left. He truly was the best porn video thief to have ever walked the earth, and despite his despicable craft, the utter excellence he displayed in carrying out his tasks have been nothing but purely artistic.

Hot Asian Porn and Others May Face Extinction

Sunday, January 24th, 2010

For many Americans, watching hot Asian porn and other porn from different exotic countries provide a taste of something different. Over the years though, interest for such an endeavor to taste the unknown has waned due to many Americans being desensitized by it all. With every single person in the world seemingly attainable, the lost sense of mystique has become a harbinger that these porn movies are about to come to a very abrupt extinction.

Thankfully, those with a thirst for watching two or more individuals having sexual relations with others of a different culture and race now have a seemingly limitless alternative. It’s called alien porn, and it seems to be quite the rage these days. Where else can one find true diversity if not the sheer vastness of the universe? While there have been many porn videos in the past several decades, there is a recent boom in interest when it comes to alien porn, and there is only one man who deserves credit for it. That man is none other than Mr. Avatar himself, James Cameron.

Cameron’s recent foray into celluloid, Avatar, has once again rocked box office records despite nay sayers claiming that it is nothing more than a blue skinned Pocahontas rip off. To the more educated film viewers, Avatar was generally looked upon as nothing but eye candy. And with the movie being nearly three hours long, these critics compare one viewing of Avatar indeed was the equivalent of having too much candy. Its sweet at first and you’ll regret it later.

For porn fans, however, Avatar is something way more. The casual porn fans, the ones who have become jaded with the repetitiveness of most porn genres, saw something that they did not expect would happen in a James Cameron movie. They got aroused. When the two aliens got naked and had wild sex in the field as the freaky alien surroundings swayed and all that, they got aroused. And now it seems Avatar has become the salvation of the porn movie, as people have now raced to find more alien porn in the Internet.

There is finally a solution to the exotic drought, and producers of alien porn are not taking this boom lightly. Many videos featuring the weirdest of alien races imaginable have been popping up in videos, happily gratifying a lonely human or two.

Try and watch some alien porn. You are guaranteed to cum in peace.

Hot Porn Videos to Cater to Creature Feature Fans

Saturday, January 23rd, 2010

Hot porn videos have always attracted a different breed of audience. Being a medium that caters to the utterly bizarre, it is not surprising that the industry is in a constant state of evolution. Some people call it degeneracy. But for many porn fans, it’s only a simple process of widening one’s horizons. Many believe that while porn niches tend to be unique to the point that it only has a particular group of fans, it is still difficult not to appreciate such a level of diversity.

However, when it comes to pushing the envelope, amateur porn film maker Raymond Garcia may have finally crossed over and discovered the next step in this sensual evolution. Raymond is a little known porn director from the South who had just inherited a sizeable fortune from his deceased parents who had amassed their wealth from their humble convenience store. When asked what he would do with the money, Garcia replied rather dryly “I’m putting up my own porn production company.”

Initially mistaken by his friends to be drowning in grief and denial, it did not take long for Garcia to display the sincerity of his intentions. A mere month later and The Warrior Poet Porn Company was established, with Garcia plunking down his entire inheritance in hopes that the initial project would make the outfit successful. Many were even more skeptical when his first movie came out with virtually no human sex scenes shown.

The film is entitled “Bumping Uglies”, and it features a bunch of computer generated monsters having sex while rampaging in a populated city. Garcia, who has always been enamored by insects and other creatures mating, believes that the film could very well be the legacy that he leaves. Written and directed by Garcia himself, “Bumping Uglies” is intended to be the ultimate symbolism for the chaos that the modern man has to face.

“I have always felt a kinship with monsters” Garcia revealed. “The movie starts off in a frenzy, as a giant spider terrorizing Omaha is thwarted by a dragon, and the two creatures suddenly start copulating. The sheer absurdness of it all causes all of the monsters in the world, buried deep within the Earth’s core, to rise up and join in. It’s a drama.”

“Bumping Uglies” should finish production once Garcia decides to stop pleasuring himself in the editing bay.

Canadian Town Preserves Full Length Porn Videos

Friday, January 22nd, 2010

A local school in the Canadian town of Okotoks has recently celebrated its 25th anniversary, and it was highlighted by the opening of the time capsule that was buried in the ground on the schools opening day. When the capsule was opened, everyone was astounded by the fact that among the numerous memorabilia and mementos found from the raging 80s, a bunch of full length porn videos were stashed as well.

Needless to say, the presence of porn in the silver anniversary of an elementary in a small quiet town pretty much killed everyone’s mood. Embarrassed by the whole fiasco, the principal of the school promised a full blown investigation. He claimed that it was the biggest scandal in Okotoks history and he was not going to allow this incident to become just another cold case.

Principal Ned Simpson was actually on hand when the school first opened. He had started out in Okotoks Elementary as an English teacher, priding himself as a lover of all forms of conventional communication. One glaring exception of course, was porn. “The only thing that these movies communicate is the acceptance of indecency” said the extremely incensed principal. “This may have been the work of a delinquent student who thought it would be funny to tarnish this great academic institution’s reputation. It may have happened 25 years ago, but I will find the culprit and bring him to justice.”

Simpson has a list of suspects comprising of the students who he deemed had “severe attitude problems” and were enrolled in the school at the time. The major contributors to the contents of the time capsules were students. Each of the students newly enrolled students to put one thing that they want the world of the future to see. It was clear, however, that one person wanted to display that something will always remain constant in the world, and that’s pornography.

Simpson claims that none of the teachers then, who supervised the student’s contribution, can possibly be the culprit. “There is no chance that any of my esteemed faculty members could have done it. I know each and every one of them, and the majority of them are still employed here in this institution. It’s unlikely that any one of them could have done it. It’s definitely a student.”

Simpson is currently conducting deep interrogations on the teachers who were there on that fateful day, trying to gather more information on the possible suspects. Simpson vows that he will not stop until this grave error has been corrected.

The Annual Bizarre Awards from You Porn

Saturday, January 16th, 2010

You Porn is planning to pave the way towards the complete recognition of the most bizarre porn videos online! The popular site is getting ready to have an awards show to reward those who have contributed in the slow moral decay of society. The awards show is still in the developmental stages, but fans are already showing a positive reaction about the proposed awards.

“It’s high time that everyone know how important these porn videos are in our lives” chimed in a loyal fan of bizarre porn. “Notice how the two girls one cup video earned its rightful place in mainstream media? Bizarre porn videos are ingrained in the minds of every true porn fanatic. It’s everyone’s guilty pleasure. We all want to go and see the weirdest shit they could wrap their minds around of. This would be a true tribute to everyone who really loves the art of porn.”

Regarding the criteria for judging which bizarre videos are a cut above the rest of the materials available on the ‘net, we sought the opinion of one porn veteran who also anxiously awaits the awards show. ”I think the one that carries with it the most potential for psychologically damaging the viewer enough that his or her everyday living is forever altered. It’s all about impact. If it doesn’t drive you crazy, it’s mostly not even bizarre enough to warrant attention. A truly bizarre video grabs everyone’s attention like a kick in the balls.”

The event is rumored to star former adult film star turned b-movie actress Tracy Lords. There will be several guests throughout the show, and the guest list is reportedly as bizarre as the nominated videos themselves. From Carrot Top to Ben Affleck, the guest list reads like a who’s who of the most unrelated people ever assembled in one space. The you porn Bizarre porn Awards night promises to be a three hour mind fuck that everyone would definitely enjoy. Another fan offered his insight. “I believe it’s going to be the best night in the history of the porn industry. When regular porn came out, everyone viewed it as outlandish and wild, bizarre even. But, now, it’s all considered the norm. Bizarre porn videos are the future of the entire industry, so I’m glad that these videos that are mostly known for novelty are getting something more. They will open up nothing but good things for the entire porn industry.”

An Adult Movie Threat Looms

Friday, January 15th, 2010

Somewhere, in a dark room, there is a meeting of powerful men. With nothing but an adult movie playing, the smoke filled chamber carries an atmosphere of intense reckoning. Once the movie is over, the man at the head of the table stood and finally spoke. His words are concise and to the point. The men he was conferring to would not have it any other way. And in a few short moments, a plan has been hatched. In a few short days, that plan would be executed.

The scene that was just described is an excerpt from the new underground literary masterpiece from 23 year old creative genius Matthew Stokes. His book, entitled “The Adult Movie Conspiracy”, is a riveting tale about a group of men who try to take over the world with the use of one porn video. This unpublished tale has many publishers abuzz, and its writer is flanked by offers. Stokes, surprisingly, is not quite ready to unleash his masterpiece on the printed paper.

“I just had a few of my book club friends read it” said Stokes. “As much as I loved their comments, both positive and negative, I think it still needs a bit of a tweak. There’s something still yet missing for me to be completely satisfied with my work.”

Stokes is a rather well known amateur writer, who has more than a dozen unfinished books under his belt. A literary teacher in a community college in the Midwest, Stokes is a truly gifted writer who just has trouble finishing what he starts. “Whenever a new idea comes into my mind, I often go ahead and start writing it immediately before the inspiration leaves me. That is why I’ve got a bunch of novels that I can no longer finish.”

It’s that touch and go enthusiasm that have destroyed the potential of thousands of other artists, but this does not bother Stokes one bit. “I don’t really care if I get published or not. As long as I’m writing, I’m happy. If people like what I read, then I’m happy. I don’t really feel the need to earn a living off the one thing I love most. Just doing it is enough of a fulfillment.”

Currently, “The Adult Movie Conspiracy” is turning a lot of heads, and the constant urging by peers may be enough for Stokes to try and actually finish the book.

Ruler With Iron Fist Hates Online Porn Videos

Thursday, January 14th, 2010

A small European country has for years lived under one man. A man that recently announced his hatred for online porn videos. He swirls around in his fortress day in and day out, plotting schemes in order to eliminate his biggest pet peeve after the quartet of heroes that oppose him at every turn. The dictator has called forth a nationwide meeting to address his people. It was to be in the countryside, wherein his words and stature would be in plain sight.

His face, though hidden behind an iron mask he had fashioned to hide is damaged countenance, conveyed the authority that was carried by his words. There was a hush among the country folk, and the people watching on TV in their homes — as they are required to, waited with baited breath as their ruler began speaking. “Online porn” he hissed. “It is despicable! I did not gather my resources to save this decrepit land only to have it fall into degeneracy! There are values that I strongly uphold, and make no mistake, this nation is my house! You are all under the roof that I have built and you shall all face doom if you have violated the rules of my house!”

The dictators voiced boomed over the country. A dreaded silence fell over the nation. The dropping of a pin would reverberate and break everyone’s ear drums upon impact on the ground. The voice of one young man then, deafened everyone but the dictator himself. “But.. it’s all we have…” the boy said while sweating bullets.

Seconds of tense silence fell over the citizens. The monarch stared at the young man with a glaring intensity. Then he spoke the two words that would forever ring in the mind of the young man. “Seize him.” From there, a small army of mechanized soldiers forcibly took the boy and brought him to the furious dictator. He was kneeling and gritting his teeth with increasing fury as well. “Who are you?” the dictator asked, eyes never leaving the young man’s angry face. The young man met his gaze bravely.

“I am but a simple accountant, with dreams of one day relishing the fruits of the loins of a beautiful woman not unlike those found in the videos.” A tear slowly rolled down his cheek. He knew it was the end, and he refused to accept redemption by denouncing the videos.

A surge of energy from the dictator’s gauntlet dashed the young man’s dreams forever.

Thanks To Best Porn Video, The Streets Are Safe

Thursday, January 7th, 2010

He calls himself the Porn Crusader, a self-made superhero who walks the night using an arsenal of sex toys and other techniques inspired by what he describes as the best porn video ever. In a very revealing interview, the champion of the Canadian province of Newfoundland talked about his exploits. While the hero
refused to name the video that spawned his new identity for fear of copycats, he explained his roots to the best of his ability. The Porn Crusader hopes to share his vision of a better world, a world wherein the streets are safe from drugs and prostitution.

The Porn Crusader’s tale begins a quiet night in his apartment. It was a boring old weeknight, and in his own words, “life was mundane as mundane can possibly be”. He popped a newly rented VHS tape into his player (VHS is still a big thing in his part of the woods) and proceeded to view what he still describes as the “greatest porn video ever made”. He was treated to a stunning series of sexual action that featured the
best in the world of BDSM. That was the point when the Crusader was born. He saw the cries of the
woman bound and gagged, and being pleasured by sex toys. He saw the tears of the world. The pained moans of the woman who was subjected with a string of anal beads only made the Crusader hear her cries of a world in peril. He had heard the call to arms of a world that was tired of taking it in the ass. He felt the the time was right. It was the perfect scenario for the rise of The Porn Crusader.

When asked about his superhero code name, the Crusader looked dumbfounded. “I’m the Porn Crusader. I watched porn, I decided to crusade. What’s weird about that?” When it was explained to him that his name suggests that he was a crusader for the rights of pornographic material, the Crusader’s eyes widened. “Huh?”

Nevertheless, the Crusader had trained himself in martial arts and armed himself with the best sex toys money can buy. Each of the dildos he uses have been customized for combat and pleasure alike. “With
devices created with the intention of inflicting an unforgettably painful experience to its victim, I shall clean up Newfoundland! First, Canada, tomorrow, the world.”

Canada’s most wanted have something to fear now, and his name is The Porn Crusader.

Little Rodent Likes to Download Porn Videos

Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

It’s a classic story about the relationship between a man and his pet. Luke had had his pet hamster for several years before he discovered that his beloved pet can download porn videos. The hamster named Nicole has been extraordinarily special in Luke’s eyes, but he had no idea how special until the hamster was left free in front of Luke’s computer.

Luke had come from a party and had more than a few drinks in his system when he took out Nicole to play with. He passed out, and the hamster who had spent a long time watching her master download porn, sprung into action. The animal had instinctively developed the ability to find and download adult videos from Luke’s favorite sites. It’s like a sicker version of Alvin and the Chipmunks.

“Imagine my surprise when I woke up and saw my download queue was full of adult movies” said an astonished Luke. “I initially assumed that I was entirely too drunk to remember that I downloaded the movies. But when I checked the time the download started, I saw that it was well beyond the time I was sure I was unconscious. The only logical conclusion was Nicole.”

Luke put his theory to the test however, putting the animal in front of the computer and waited. After dilly dallying for a few seconds, the hamster crawled over the keyboard and moved the mouse immediately to open the porn sites that Luke frequented. Luke felt his knees tremble at the sight of his pet quickly and accurately processing downloads for him.

“It’s just a shame that I’m not able to make money off this discovery. After all, the only thing that this says to the world is that I download so much porn that my pet had actually adapted the skill to do so.”

A lot of the luminaries in the field of animal behavior tend to disagree with Luke’s previous statement. Noted animal psychologist Dr. Erving Nuts in particular would love to examine Nicole’s behavior. ”Regardless of what the owner has been preoccupied with that led to Nicole’s amazing discovery, this is definitely an amazing breakthrough. Imagine what the government can do with hyper-intelligent hamsters that could operate machinery as complex as computers. Imagine what else we could possibly teach these creatures? We could even send them into space!”

Currently, Luke has not yet answered any invitation from Dr. Nuts to examine his furry friend.

Adult Video On Demand As A Means To Get Married

Friday, January 1st, 2010

Robert and Doris happens to be a unique couple, so it did not come as no surprise to their friends of their unorthodox circumstances to their engagement. It was all thanks to an adult video on demand. Their story is as sweet as it is rather disturbing.

Robert and Doris have been living together for two years. They have always been very much in love with one another. However, there was one thing that always got Doris’ goat. Doris always hated the fact that Robert was constantly watching porn movies online. Every single time that Doris would turn her back, Robert would be on the computer digging up the sickest, vilest porn he could find. He never made an effort to hide it too. To his credit, Robert felt there was nothing to be ashamed about in liking porn.

Doris then tried to shame her man by talking about what she refers to as “his filthy habit” in front of their friends. This did not deter the porn loving Robert. In fact, he mistakenly took it as a sign of acceptance. One day, Doris decided to take a more aggressive action against Robert’s hobby. Every time she would catch Robert in the act, she would watch alongside him, doing off color annotations of the things he was watching. She would make jokes about the videos, even teasing him to pleasure himself. All the time Doris was hoping that her comments and jokes would discourage Robert from his constant porn patronage.

Robert, however, had a surprise for her that she would never, ever forget. Unbeknownst to his lady love, Robert had made phone calls and sent emails to the developers of his favorite porn sites. He had made arrangements for them to create a very special video for her. When he received a favorable reply, Robert set his master plan into motion.

On one Saturday evening, Doris came home to find Robert once again watching online porn videos. True to form, she sat down beside him, making her usual sarcastic comments. The video featured a man and a woman having sex, and Robert did not make a sound all through out the video. Once the performers were done with coitus, both looked at the camera and held up a sign that said “If you agree to marry me, Doris, I’ll keep the porn to a minimum”. Doris turned to see Robert with a ring in hand.

They are now happily married and enjoying porn together.

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