The Porn Pay-Per-View Network

Television, the raw and edgy kind that is showcased these days, has been drawing the life out of our beloved adult videos. It started with HBO, when they liberalized their programming with original productions that freely expressed sex and violence. The popularity of shows like The Sopranos, Sex and the City and Entourage have inspired many pretenders to the throne. Some may even prove to be superior to the predecessor. But, in this war for ratings, perhaps a totally unrelated industry has become a silent casualty.

The adult industry is faced with this new competition now. We now have programs that have full frontal nudity and continuous simulated sex acts that are set off by superior storylines and the sort of acting prowess that only porn stars only have wet dreams about. How could porn possibly compete with shows that are not only entertaining, but are also enough to get the audience to pleasure themselves? These shows have become a complete package. Television programming grew over the decades, and porn productions mostly remain to be the one note joke that it always has been, oft relying on shock and novelty to keep viewers watching. The problem is, shock and novelty is hard to come by when every individual has access to sex, violence, dirty language and all things once considered taboo on television, even on cable.

Indeed, there is trouble brewing in the future of porn, and the sad thing about it is that porn does not seem to be putting up much of a fight to alleviate their impending death. Will the producers of adult films, jaded as they are in their comfortable state at the top of the porn food chain, even notice the threat that is on the horizon? The enemy is the idiot box, and the enemy is a pretty crafty one. TV is going to be like a ninja that is going to swoop in deep into porn territory and slit the throat of the entire industry before it even notices the danger. The only way to keep up is to actually try to keep up.

With the porn industry’s resources, there is no excuse to put up a much harder fight that they are displaying right now. It’s a basic supply and demand issue, the problem is the producers of the porn industry is not taking seriously the fact that someone else is slowly and surely supplying the demands of the industry’s audience. The sound of the death knell resonates.

Justice is best served cold by people who just happen to be hot. A renegade task force of crime fighters have assembled to fight the porn crimes that plague the industry. Composed exclusively of porn models, this unit is created to fight all those that threaten the peace and the noble craft of adult filmaking. The team is comprised of seven porn stars who each have a special skill to contribute in the fight against porn crime.

Many people would wonder what sort of crime happens within the supposedly happy go lucky porn set. What people fail to realize is that like the rest of the world, the porn set is abundant with dangers and suspicious characters. There are peeping toms that are always lurking around to invade the privacy of our porn stars. There are people who wish to steal bootlegs for a quick buck. And then there are perverts who steal used panties and other used porn set paraphernalia.

While the identities of these crime fighters remain secret for the safety of their loved ones, they have made it public that they will not show any remorse when apprehending and stopping felons. “There was a time when I would feel uncomfortable whenever I’m in a porn set” said porn star Tina Jizzguzzlerwitz. “I used to always be a nervous wreck whenever I walk in a porn set because of the knowledge that there troublemakers who are looking to take advantage. But when I heard of these vigilantes, no, when I heard of these heroes, I now come to work with confidence.”

The normal M.O. for these crime fighters is to catch their bad guy, tie him or her up and leave the criminal with a ball gag in the mouth and a strap on up the ass for all the world to see. This has been their calling card ever since catching their first criminal, the pervert named Trevor Von Hooverstamp. Hooverstamp claims he cannot identify his assailants. His eyes were fixed on their huge boobs and hanging dicks. It was learned that Von Hooverstamp was caught sneaking in at a closed shoot.

“And I would have gotten away too, if it wasn’’t for those meddling porn stars!”

My name is Earnest, and I have a weird relationship with my porn. Let me start off by establishing that I am not a pervert. I enjoy porn in what I believe to be the adequate amount people should be enjoying porn. But, my porn collection has taken a life of its own, and my perception of that box of DVDs in the closet has changed forever.

I just turned thirty last week. While other people my age have mostly either celebrated or mourned their thirtieth day of birth with important loved ones, I went another direction. I broke convention, opting to stay in my apartment, alone, with nothing but the sounds of the city to accompany me. The perils of dating, falling in love with, and getting dumped by a porn star I guess.

She was an aspiring actress trying to make it big, and I was a guy that was too stupid to get out of the way. I met her during one of my early attempts at amateur adult film making. The moment she walked into my “studio”, which just happens to be my empty apartment, I knew there was something special about her. She was different from the other girls who just wanted to score some blow money. She was one of those girls who you knew for a fact was destined to shine brighter than the rest of us. She had a little Hepburn in her, and even while I was shooting her doing a lesbian sex scene with some crack whore I couldn’t even remember, her image never diminished in my mind.

We lived together for five years. Those were the good years. Of course, I still kept making her movies. But I never let another man touch her. I wanted to contain her in my world, and tried my best to replicate a glamorous life that she so richly deserved. But my meager efforts failed to provide her that.

So I sit now, debating internally as to whether or not I should watch that box full of porn or just throw it all away. The day she walked out on me for greener pastures I wanted to burn all those videos of her, but I couldn’t bring myself to. It remains my only connection to her. I keep freezing to the shot of her staring deep into my camera, with her Hepburn like eyes, speaking to me more than her mouth ever did.