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Sometimes evil is just hiding in plain sight. Sometimes the hiding place of evil is something as globally exposed as Japanese porn videos. Through the diligent efforts of freelance private investor Jack Charles Baker, we all have a chance to stop a plan to dominate the entire world through porn.

“What makes us watch those Japanese porn movies a lot, huh?” asked Baker with a suspicious look in his eye. “It’s those moans they make. Those Japanese girls have sex all noisy and shit, that it just couldn’t have been a mere coincidence. So I did some checking right? I watched as many Japanese porn movies I could, and listened to those moans. I interpreted them using Morse code, cause that’s how it all sounds, right? Short moans and long moans in random succession, I figured that it all had to mean something. And you will not believe what I found out!”

Baker reports that out of the many Japanese porn movies he’s studied, only one message consistently shows up among the gibberish. He decoded the phrases formed through Morse code, and Baker truly believes that the words that regularly come out are “WE WILL RULE. YOU SHALL FALL. SO SAYS ROBOTO”. Baker has taken it upon himself to find out who Roboto really is and figure out a way to stop him.

“Right now, all I have going for me are the porn videos. But, the sources of the movies I studied are varied, so it’s going to take some time to figure this problem out. I don’t know if this Roboto character is a person or a group, or even if he or she is even human, but Roboto scares me!”

Baker pleads for assistance in his mission to stop Roboto and possibly save the world. “A project like this, it’s going to take some cash, and cash is one thing I don’t have right now. Unfortunately, there has been a shortage in clients for Baker Investigations, the private dick agency I run. I think it’s a blessing in disguise though, cause I wouldn’t have stumbled upon this plot if I had my hands full with the usual cases!”

Those who wish to donate or lend financial assistance to Mr. Baker’s concern may send personal checks to Baker Investigations, PO Box 648, San Diego, California. “Please make out the check to Jackson Charles Baker. Remember, no amount is too small in the fight for Earth’s survival!”

Many people admire the Japanese as a nation and as a people due to their countless contributions to the world. From their impeccable technology to the cultural landmarks such as the samurai, the Japanese have always been regarded as consistently being at the top of the proverbial global class. But one thing that truly sets Japan head and shoulders above the global competition is the undeniable quality of their porn. Truly, Japan has the best porn videos.

Their very presence in the porn industry has been nothing but years upon years of utter impact, changing the landscape of porn forever. From school girls with the short skirts to big, hulking men with tentacle penises, Japanese porn has taken sex movies into a whole new level. Should we expect little from the country that produced a certain Akira Kurosawa?

The term “bukkake” is obviously of Japanese descent, and it is a clear reflection of how bold the Japanese truly are, slinging their sperm towards unsuspecting female pedestrians or having a willing female take gallons, it seems, of sperm over her pretty face. Hentai has become so popular that it has evolved into a major part of geek culture, with its amazing animation, imaginative sex scenes and of course, out of the box storytelling.

Japanese porn is also lauded for their uber realistic depiction of rape and gang rape. The use of petite women and the image of having said women be taken by force by a number of healthy young men is the ultimate commentary of a male dominated nation such as Japan. In fact, there are fewer Japanese porn videos that feature the female lead as the sexual aggressor than otherwise.

When it comes to weird, Japanese porn not only crosses it, but does cartwheels all over the other side of the line. From the very perverse exhibitionist train sex videos, to the rampant use of sex toys, Japanese porn shows exactly the sort of repressed sexuality an entire nation possesses. No other nation has produced porn so influential that it is copied by every other porn producing country in the world. It is hard to watch a porn video these days that goes on without the least bit of Japanese influence.

Japanese porn is the ultimate outlet for those who has ever wanted to explore the most taboo, and Japanese porn indeed is the best in the world. If the nation of Japan truly has anything to be proud of, and they do, it is their unsung hero. The medium of pornography. Thank you Japan for some of the truly best sex videos!

Just when you thought Japanese porn videos can’t get any more off beat, a production company in Japan is in the works of producing a brand new Godzilla movie, porn style! The King of Monsters, had become a pop culture icon ever since he first appeared on the big screen, terrorizing Tokyo and forever adding a new Japanese stereotype in everyone’s minds.

Godzilla’s instant success and cult following led to numerous sequels which turned the terrifying giant lizard into a protagonist. Godzilla was shown mindlessly protecting Japan against other large monsters like Mothra, Ghidora and even a mechanized version of the Big Lizard himself. This upcoming incarnation of Godzilla is going to indeed be a porno, but the producers are vowing to honor Godzilla’s tradition.

“We are not going to short change fans with a disgraceful version of Godzilla” said producer Hideko Yamaguchi. “The movie will still have some awesome clashes with other monsters, and there will also be hot hardcore sex scenes involving the human characters as well as the monsters themselves.”

Fans have reacted to the rumors of this upcoming movies, pointing out that in the classic Godzilla vs. Mecha-Godzilla flick, the beloved abomination was not only one of its kind, but also a hermaphrodite, and showing Godzilla having sex with anything would be ridiculous. Yamaguchi requests for the fans faith. “I have grown up loving the Godzilla mythos, and I will not do anything to disrespect the canon. The script is wonderful and true to the originals, and the details would be revealed in the movie itself.”

Yamaguchi also confirms appearances from other Godzilla characters. “Ghidorah, the three headed serpent, would definitely have a major role in the movie, and Biolante, the living plant will also appear. Both creatures, with one’s multiple heads and the other’s numerous tendrils would make for very shocking sex scenes.”

Regarding the special effects, Yamaguchi has revealed that they will go through the old school approach and will be utilizing rubber suits instead of CGI. The movie is also more story driven than your average porn. “The premise is basically the same as the old Godzilla movies” said Yamaguchi. “Only instead of the humans trying to defend against a rampaging monster destroying Tokyo, they will be defending against two monsters destroying Tokyo while having sex.”

No confirmation, however, verifying the rumors that popular Japanese porn star Maria Ozawa will be involved in the project.