The Porn Pay-Per-View Network

Every writer has a method he or she uses to tap into a great well of ideas that allow him or her to create. One of the top screenwriters in Hollywood today reveals his method, and surprisingly, it involves hot porn movies. For someone who has been one of the writers to have created such cinematic classics as Ace Ventura 3, the prequel to The Dukes of Hazzard and Wrong Turn 3, he had reservations about revealing his method, but changed his mind and thought it would benefit the entire world. He did however insist on being kept anonymous.

“I’m not a selfish man, and I know the world needs a lot of good writers out there who are just like myself, so I’m willing to share the secret to my success. It’s porn.” he said with a smile. “Plain and simple. Porn just takes me to a comfortable place where I am able to do what I do best at my very best. My writing has been so much better after I’ve discovered the effects of porn to my creativity. It helped me get my big break, and landed me one of the screenwriter’s position in the movie Jury Duty. Do you remember that? The one with Pauly Shore? Those were some good stuff.”

Since Jury Duty, the writer has worked on some of the other Pauly Shore movies, all now considered to be classics. “I believe that as a writer, you are unstoppable once you find out what method works for you. I have friends that would write in the shower, or write in graveyards or cemeteries to boost their imaginations. Me? I just need a DVD of hot chicks getting it on with sex toys and I’m good to go.”

When asked about Internet porn, the writer merely shrugged. “It’s good that there’s a vast resource of porn out there for my consumption, but I don’t use it. Not because I’m a traditionalist or something. It’s just that I write while I watch porn, and when I write I use my laptop. If, however, my next project pushes through, I might be able to afford a separate computer that’s strictly for porn purposes.”

His next project is reportedly a sequel to the classic early 90s horror movie “The Seventh Sign”. Lou Diamond Phillips is set to reprise his lead role in the movie, and Pauly Shore will be added to the cast as Phillips’ quirky sidekick.

Being a multi-billion dollar industry with a massive fan base spanning around the globe, it is highly unlikely to believe that the porn industry could experience a downfall. After all, with a product that caters to one of Man’s primal urges, the porn industry provides a commodity that cannot be replaced by other things (besides real sex, of course). However, with the world making leaps and bounds forward in technology, all possibilities are being explored, including the eradication of what many people believe to be nothing but filth.

A device is now being attached to computers that not only blocks hot porn movies, but automatically deletes them. It comes in the form of something similar to a flash drive, but has a few controls for security setting. It works by releasing a sophisticated virus that wipes out all porn and porn-related material in one’s entire network. The device cleans up the network, and then installs firewalls and several other security measures to keep porn from getting in.

The developers of the device, aptly named the Network Purifier, say that the product is still far from a hundred percent but they are working diligently to make sure that the device is in mass production by March next year. “Right now, the biggest problem we have is that the software remains too effective” says Mark Peters, one of the project’s main developers. “It still has trouble differentiating what we call innocent files, and there are cases that it deletes legitimate documents. These are minor kinks, of course.”

The device deletes all types of adult material, from videos to pictures, to dirty jokes and erotica. The developers primarily are targeting offices as their market, but of course its uses in schools and homes. Parents need not fret about their tech savvy kids removing the device on their own, as the Network Purifier has a locking mechanism that, if removed forcibly or tampered with in any way, will wipeout the contents of the computer’s hard drive.

Not surprisingly, many religious institutions are supporting the development of the Network Purifier. It is already being recommended to many people. Peters claims their intention is not that noble or enlightened. “Actually, the initial aim of the network purifier is to limit porn in the workplace. Porn hinders productivity, and without porn, not only will a lot more things be accomplished, but it also evades certain sexual harassment issues and other delicate matters.”

Since the 1930s, Superman has been the foundation wherein the entire superhero medium has been built. Created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Schuster, Superman has been the most recognizable superhero of all time, and one of the most accepted archetypes of good in contemporary culture. However, there is buzz that the creation of Superman may have been the cause of hot porn movies.

Granted, the standards for hot porn during the time of Superman’s literary inception may have been tame by standards, but there are a lot of parallelisms to the aforementioned character and the adult film craft that are still very apparent up to this day.

Having escaped a dying world, a super powered baby from Krypton crash landed in a small farm town to be raised by the noble Jonathan and Martha Kent, who instilled in the child a sense of virtue that would make him grow up to be the World’s greatest superhero. The image of a “superman” speaks extreme virility. His demeanor as the timid Clark Kent is an obvious symbolism for a flaccid penis, and during important times, he toughens up and becomes Superman, possessing strength and near invulnerability. That sounds very much like a boner.

Notice how Clark strips off his outer clothing when he springs into action? It is reminiscent of a man getting naked so he could perform acts of superhuman feats. In the universally accepted canon, Superman’s first encounter with his love interest, the plucky reporter named Lois Lane, takes place when Lois falls off a helicopter only to be caught by the muscular flying man who whisks her off to a safe, private spot. It’s very similar to the premise of numerous porn movies.

Superman’s arch nemesis is the prematurely bald Lex Luthor, a man without powers, but compensates with his superior intellect and vast financial resources. It’s a perfect symbolism for an impotent man covering up his shortcomings. And what happens to Superman whenever Luthor flashes his only weakness, the glowing green meteorite known as Kryptonite? He doubles over, like a shriveled up dong.

Popular images of Superman depict him breaking out of chains using his sheer strength, the way penises usually bulge out of underwear. He does so usually when Lois Lane is in a state of “peril”. When Lois is in need, Superman is always ready for action. Hell, the original comic book he appeared in is entitled “Action Comics”.

So, to summarize, Superman is a dick.