The Porn Pay-Per-View Network

It’s a classic story about the relationship between a man and his pet. Luke had had his pet hamster for several years before he discovered that his beloved pet can download porn videos. The hamster named Nicole has been extraordinarily special in Luke’s eyes, but he had no idea how special until the hamster was left free in front of Luke’s computer.

Luke had come from a party and had more than a few drinks in his system when he took out Nicole to play with. He passed out, and the hamster who had spent a long time watching her master download porn, sprung into action. The animal had instinctively developed the ability to find and download adult videos from Luke’s favorite sites. It’s like a sicker version of Alvin and the Chipmunks.

“Imagine my surprise when I woke up and saw my download queue was full of adult movies” said an astonished Luke. “I initially assumed that I was entirely too drunk to remember that I downloaded the movies. But when I checked the time the download started, I saw that it was well beyond the time I was sure I was unconscious. The only logical conclusion was Nicole.”

Luke put his theory to the test however, putting the animal in front of the computer and waited. After dilly dallying for a few seconds, the hamster crawled over the keyboard and moved the mouse immediately to open the porn sites that Luke frequented. Luke felt his knees tremble at the sight of his pet quickly and accurately processing downloads for him.

“It’s just a shame that I’m not able to make money off this discovery. After all, the only thing that this says to the world is that I download so much porn that my pet had actually adapted the skill to do so.”

A lot of the luminaries in the field of animal behavior tend to disagree with Luke’s previous statement. Noted animal psychologist Dr. Erving Nuts in particular would love to examine Nicole’s behavior. ”Regardless of what the owner has been preoccupied with that led to Nicole’s amazing discovery, this is definitely an amazing breakthrough. Imagine what the government can do with hyper-intelligent hamsters that could operate machinery as complex as computers. Imagine what else we could possibly teach these creatures? We could even send them into space!”

Currently, Luke has not yet answered any invitation from Dr. Nuts to examine his furry friend.

Times are so hard that people have stopped giving to the less fortunate. A Cleveland-based charitable institution has found a way to solve that. Understanding the fact that people these days need at least some incentive before trying to reach into their pockets, the Cleveland Cares Foundation have decided to entice potential donors and volunteers with the ability to freely download porn videos.

Coordinating with a top porn website, a donation of a certain amount or rendering a specific amount of volunteer hours gives one access to the exclusive content provided for the CCF. While this is not the only incentive available to interested parties, t has become quickly the most popular and effective one. The founder of CCF, Ken Thurmgood, is very pleased. “The adult film industry is one thin that I’m grateful for. To tell you the truth, I never really expected to get more assistance from the porn industry than I do from the government. Shows all of us not to judge a person by the number of times their anatomy had been invaded by a foreign object.”

Things are also looking up for the volunteers who had been to CCF for a long time. “To be completely frank,” said Irma, a middle aged volunteer for CCF. “I was at first wary of their help. After all, what would the community say? Well, Mr. Thurmgood’s gut instincts tell him that it’s a right course of action.”

This decision by Thurmgood and his band of do-gooders have not been wet met with has seen more than its fair share of opposition. The CCF still remains undaunted n their cause. “Just because they do adult movies doesn’t mean that they can’t be contributing members of society.” Thumgood beams as he says these words. “And like I’ve said, they’ve done more for Cleveland’s less fortunate than most so-called morally superior individuals.”

The CCF has made it a point to shun all the righteous detractors from their cause, focusing only a results-based program t help the people of Cleveland Thurmgood and the rest of his people also hope that their actions inspire other non-government charitable institutions to take bolder steps to achieve their goals. “The world is becoming more and more competitive, and it’s hard for guys like us who just want to help out. If people would rather spend their money on porn, then basically that’s what we’re offering. With an extra dose of charity, of course.”

For David, a life wherein he’s not able to download porn videos is an equivalent to life in hell. Online porn has been a huge part of his life ever since he’s stumbled unto the medium back in his schooling years. For him, it was as close to the feeling of obsession he could ever get. For porn, he had been shunned by family, he had turned his back on real lovers, and has turned off a few friends. He didn’t mind it one bit. He had found a little nook of happiness that he was never going to give up for any reason.

All that changed a few months ago, when he met her. For him, it was one of those turning points. A defining moment in which he ascertained that what had made him happy before was but a mere substitute until he found her. Porn was just something to close the gap, like that little sandwich people would have in between meals just to appease hunger.

Her name was Anna, and she was new. In every sense of the word. She was the new reception in the small office David had found himself working for two years, doing a job that would enable him to still enjoy his porn even during work hours. She was nothing like any other girl he had ever met. She amazed him on a level that no one and nothing else could, not even porn.

David pursued her with vigilance. They were hitting it off splendidly, and each knew that there was no other person that could be a matter match than they were for each other. There was just a small problem. Anna and her family, with their deeply rooted faith and rigid beliefs against pornography,, David had to make a choice. Things were going so well, until she had fiddled around his computer at his place and found gigabytes of downloaded smut. It was as if her mental image of the man she had quickly become so enamored with had suddenly diminished and was replaced by a pervert. Needless to say, she left him.

All the downloaded porn in the world could not make David crack a smile or even a grin. Hehad to make things right. So after several weeks of non-communication, David stood in front of Anna’s house, carrying the speakers playing their songs as loud as possible high above his head. When the girl opened a window and saw the smitten man’s gesture, she smiled with hesitation. David finished off by destroying the computer in front of her and going on a speech about how much she is loved. He had given up porn for her and destroyed his computer to win the girl.

Deleting the material would have sufficed, but not as romantic.