The Porn Pay-Per-View Network

Of all the things one can use against irritatingly loud neighbors, no one would have ever expected to employ the aid of best porn videos. But that’s exactly what Sherman did last weekend when he finally had enough of his neighbor’s incessant noise-making.

Sherman is a guy who lives alone and is perfectly happy about it. Working in a very fast paced job all week, Sherman craves the escape only his weekends could provide him. All he needed to do was stay in for two straight days, watch TV and just relax, and Sherman would not only be happy, but fully prepared to deal with what the outside world had to offer him in the coming week. For several months Sherman had been enjoying this solitude, until a week ago when the new neighbors moved in.

Since his old neighbor died, Sherman had been worrying about how the inevitable new neighbors would affect his way of life. When the new neighbors finally did show up, Sherman’s worst nightmares had been realized. The new neighbors were a page right out of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. They were rednecks to a superlative degree, but instead of the murderous kind, these were the overly friendly types.

They never left Sherman alone, and his ideal weekends were shattered by the family next door’s constant chatter. Scathing country music blared from their stereos all day, and their grooming habits were the exact opposite of Sherman’s. Sherman has tried to be reasonable and understanding, priding himself as being a tolerant and intellectual being. But being human, he had limitations. His neighbors went beyond those limitations one fateful Saturday night when the rowdy family had taken to drinking too many beers. Sherman knew at that point that they were not human. They were not like him. They were a cancer that threatens his very way of life.

So, he lured them to their home, with the promise of a box of porn videos that he needed disposing. They were eager to help. Free porn was something that this family would never turn down. Sherman was sure of it. Their degeneracy knew no bounds. He told them they were all in the basement. The rowdy neighbors entered. Sherman smiled a satisfied smile, and the neighbors were never heard from again.

Sherman spent the entire Sunday cleaning up happily, knowing that the following weekend would be an extreme improvement.

He calls himself the Porn Crusader, a self-made superhero who walks the night using an arsenal of sex toys and other techniques inspired by what he describes as the best porn video ever. In a very revealing interview, the champion of the Canadian province of Newfoundland talked about his exploits. While the hero
refused to name the video that spawned his new identity for fear of copycats, he explained his roots to the best of his ability. The Porn Crusader hopes to share his vision of a better world, a world wherein the streets are safe from drugs and prostitution.

The Porn Crusader’s tale begins a quiet night in his apartment. It was a boring old weeknight, and in his own words, “life was mundane as mundane can possibly be”. He popped a newly rented VHS tape into his player (VHS is still a big thing in his part of the woods) and proceeded to view what he still describes as the “greatest porn video ever made”. He was treated to a stunning series of sexual action that featured the
best in the world of BDSM. That was the point when the Crusader was born. He saw the cries of the
woman bound and gagged, and being pleasured by sex toys. He saw the tears of the world. The pained moans of the woman who was subjected with a string of anal beads only made the Crusader hear her cries of a world in peril. He had heard the call to arms of a world that was tired of taking it in the ass. He felt the the time was right. It was the perfect scenario for the rise of The Porn Crusader.

When asked about his superhero code name, the Crusader looked dumbfounded. “I’m the Porn Crusader. I watched porn, I decided to crusade. What’s weird about that?” When it was explained to him that his name suggests that he was a crusader for the rights of pornographic material, the Crusader’s eyes widened. “Huh?”

Nevertheless, the Crusader had trained himself in martial arts and armed himself with the best sex toys money can buy. Each of the dildos he uses have been customized for combat and pleasure alike. “With
devices created with the intention of inflicting an unforgettably painful experience to its victim, I shall clean up Newfoundland! First, Canada, tomorrow, the world.”

Canada’s most wanted have something to fear now, and his name is The Porn Crusader.

Call them the team of the century. Call them the best collaboration since Michael Jackson jammed with Paul McCartney. Call them whatever you want, as long as you keep your eyes and eyes open for the products these three are about to produce! The three best creators of adult video sites have decided to pool their remarkable talents to give the best porn video site the world has yet to see.

Jeremy Jones, the mastermind behind several of the most visited all around porn video site has tied his fortunes in with two of the best in the business. Jones will be the front man on this ambitious project leading Roy Lee and Benedict Raymund. Lee is the top web site designer for many porn sites, while Raymund is a software genius whose work has greatly contributed to the video on demand concept. These three are putting together what they claim to be “the be all and end all of all porn sites”. It is Joes that gathered these three of them together, and he happily informs people that he got the idea from comic books.

“What are the two top comic book companies in the world today?” asked Jones. “Marvel and DC, right? And in those two top companies, which comics showcase their best superheroes? That’s the Avengers for Marvel and the Justice League in DC. You know what I noticed? In both groups, they have what geeks like me call the Big Three. For the Avengers it’s Captain America, Thor, and Iron Man. For the League, it’s Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman. What do they have in common? Nothing!” Jones punctuated the statement with a two minute long maniacal laugh.

Once he has calmed down, Jones was able to explain is take on it. His interpretation was that if you would take three people of completely different specialties and personalities it would make for an effective team dynamic. This is especially if the three people coming together are considered to be the best at what they do. Jones, Lee and Raymund say that they have a very big surprise for all fans of porn in the coming year.

“We’re very big fans of porn” says Jones. “So we know what the real fans out there want. So we are going to work hard to give them the ultimate porn site. The best part of course, is that we’re doing it for free!”

When it comes to hot porn action, many people focus on the hot porn and sometimes neglect to notice the action. We sat down with Nigel McWolfe, a world renowned fight coordinator and choreographer for many of the best porn videos of all time. He’s here to talk about the many dazzling stories of his career. McWolfe has been doing fight choreography for most of his life, before retiring at the young age of 35 to pursue other endeavors, like writing.

“It has been a wild, amazing ride for me” exclaims McWolfe with nearly a teary eyed expression. “I feel like I’ve really established myself in the porn industry. I’m very thankful for the last several years, for being just part of the business in that capacity.”

McWolfe is a former stuntman that went into fight choreography after a near fatal accident. His first few gigs were for some low budget action movies. During one of these jobs, he was approached by the lead actor, who actually does some porn work on the side, and offered McWolfe a stint at a porno he was doing. At first McWolfe was reluctant, but he soon fell in love with the usiness and decided to stay.

“At first I didn’t think that there’d be enough jobs for me, but I was obviously wrong. Like most people, I didn’t appreciate the other aspects of the porn industry, and I didn’t even know that any of them had any fight scenes. Now, I tell everyone I meet that the best porn videos have awesome fight scenes!” McWolfe’s body of work is not a fancy as some of his Hollywood counterparts, but McWolfe had learned to do the best with a smaller budget. “If the director knows what he’s doing, then I wouldn’t have to worry. And I’m proud to say that I’ve worked with the best directors ever, and I noticed that none of them are doing mainstream movies!”

McWolfe has just finished writing his memoirs, and he’s hoping to get it published. He says it contains many amazing stories about the porn industry as well as some of the celebrities he has had the pleasure of working with, as a stuntman and as a choreographer. While still looking for a publisher, McWolfe has already wasted no time trying to promote the book. “My life is full of anecdotes, and I’m sure that anyone would find my memoirs a great read.”

As human beings, it is only natural for is to speculate on what is the best in every field, industry or line. The porn industry is no different, and now several online fans are raising the age old question. What is indeed the best porn video ever? If Citizen Kane is considered to be the greatest American film of all time, and Watchmen is considered to be the finest graphic novel in the history of comic books, then it’s time to determine which porn video truly is the crown jewel in the world of adult films.

The world’s leading experts on porn are now being assembled and they would be studying countless hours of porn videos. Their representative, Thurman Sparks, who holds the title for watching the most porn videos in one day, recently revealed this campaign in a press conference. ”It’s high time to give that one video the honor of being the greatest of all time. It’s time to recognize the Muhammad Ali of fuck videos.”

When asked about what criteria is to be used to judge the validity of a porn video, Sparks took several moments to truly get down to it. “For me, personally, one measurement of the greatness of any porn video is its timelessness. It can be very old, but no matter how many times you watch it, it still inspires you to do things to yourself that many people believe would lead to blindness. But that’s just me.”

With the determination of the greatest porn video of all time, comes the formation of the official porn quality council, which Sparks will be a part of. Sparks screams about being a proud member. Despite Sparks’ enthusiasm, the entire list of council members remains confidential. It has been reported, and Sparks confirms this, that the list reads like a who’s who of people in the porn industry, from award winning directors to screen legends, as well as people like Sparks, who are hardcore fans of hardcore movies.

The council’s first act would be to declare the best porn video ever by the end of this year. “It is truly time for a golden age in pornography. I dare say that a porn revolution is at hand. It’s all coming together. The crowning of the video that is worthy. The formation of the brotherhood. It is but a matter of time before our pornographic hordes overrun the entire world!”