The Porn Pay-Per-View Network

Television, the raw and edgy kind that is showcased these days, has been drawing the life out of our beloved adult videos. It started with HBO, when they liberalized their programming with original productions that freely expressed sex and violence. The popularity of shows like The Sopranos, Sex and the City and Entourage have inspired many pretenders to the throne. Some may even prove to be superior to the predecessor. But, in this war for ratings, perhaps a totally unrelated industry has become a silent casualty.

The adult industry is faced with this new competition now. We now have programs that have full frontal nudity and continuous simulated sex acts that are set off by superior storylines and the sort of acting prowess that only porn stars only have wet dreams about. How could porn possibly compete with shows that are not only entertaining, but are also enough to get the audience to pleasure themselves? These shows have become a complete package. Television programming grew over the decades, and porn productions mostly remain to be the one note joke that it always has been, oft relying on shock and novelty to keep viewers watching. The problem is, shock and novelty is hard to come by when every individual has access to sex, violence, dirty language and all things once considered taboo on television, even on cable.

Indeed, there is trouble brewing in the future of porn, and the sad thing about it is that porn does not seem to be putting up much of a fight to alleviate their impending death. Will the producers of adult films, jaded as they are in their comfortable state at the top of the porn food chain, even notice the threat that is on the horizon? The enemy is the idiot box, and the enemy is a pretty crafty one. TV is going to be like a ninja that is going to swoop in deep into porn territory and slit the throat of the entire industry before it even notices the danger. The only way to keep up is to actually try to keep up.

With the porn industry’s resources, there is no excuse to put up a much harder fight that they are displaying right now. It’s a basic supply and demand issue, the problem is the producers of the porn industry is not taking seriously the fact that someone else is slowly and surely supplying the demands of the industry’s audience. The sound of the death knell resonates.

He calls himself the Cleanser. For months now, he has been threatening to destroy all adult video sites on the planet. So far his threats have not been given the attention he may have hoped to get as he was easily dismissed as another pranksters online. However, as time went by, the consistency of the Cleansers threatening comments on various web sites have caused some concerned individuals to fret.

In his many tirades against all porn sites on the Internet, the Cleanser has yet to reveal any details as to how he would go about destroying the porn sites of the world, but he has given out implicit details as to why. While maintaining to conceal his identity, the Cleanser has made in it known that his quest to rid the world of its porn sites is not motivated by any moral purpose or inclination, but his hate is fueled only by the thought of exacting revenge. According to him, he once had a loving family, until the insurgence of adult video sites in his life have caused him to lose the love of his wife and the respect5 of his children. The Cleanser wants it known that he will not stop until he has made the world a better, safer and cleaner place for all families across the globe.

A task force is being formed to stop the Cleanser’s insidious plans. Heading the task force is prominent pro-porn cop Harry Brunswick, who is intent on stopping the Cleanser’s mad scheme at any cost. “It is our department’s opinion that this Cleanser fellow is someone who is truly capable when it comes to computers and hacking, as no one can’t seem to track down his whereabouts using the computer despite the frequency of his threatening messages. We do have the best people looking into the matter, and the porn industry has lent a hand by hiring members of the private sector, the best that money can buy. We will nail this creep, even if it is the very last thing I do.

The Cleanser knows firsthand about the threat the task force poses on his plans. He claims that tipping their hand this early is a mistake. According to one of his cryptic messages, “there is nothing Brunswick and the rest of his clowns can stop me. My revenge is not a threat, but an inevitability. I will end porn sites, and it is only a matter of time.”

A local computer shop nearly went under due to a porn download that quickly went south. Rob, one of the technicians on the shop, apparently got bored with his designated station in life that he decided to spice things up and use the shop’s resources to download a few adult videos. Since the shop owner and manager of the store, Garrison Lance, was completely ignorant about all things computer-related with the glaring exception of how to sell them, Rob was pretty much in the clear.

Downloading porn had become somewhat of a habit for Rob. He’d come in and wait for his boss to grab lunch. He then hit the net and fill his download queue with his favorite adult films. Since his boss always asks Rob to go on overtime, (something that Rob has truly come to despise) Rob had an opportunity to take the finished downloads and copy them to his own personal disk. Rob’s passive aggressive brand of rebellion has gone on for weeks. Rob was beginning to get drunk on his own power. He felt he was untouchable, and he took up the shenanigans another notch. With his own personal hard drive getting full of porn, he had to stash the new downloads somewhere until he managed to come up with enough money to buy a new hard rive with bigger memory. For all of Rob’s shortcomings, he had been very adamant against theft, so the thought of just stealing a hard drive from a computer shop that gets more than its fair share of shoplifters never occurred to him. He did not, however, have any qualms about “borrowing” items.

In the backroom of the store lay a box of hard disk drives that had been sitting there for months. Any hope that these items would be sold had long ago been destroyed. So Rob, trusted employee that he is, decided to store an adult movie or two in each of the drives, secure in the knowledge that nothing would ever happen.

As Rob was on his day off, Mr. Lance had a very novel idea to save the store form dwindling sales. The store had a very special sale wherein anyone who buys a computer gets a brand new free extra hard disk drive. Needless to say all of Rob’s secret stash had been disposed. Once Rob came back to work and discovered what happened, he nearly had a panic attack, but decided to remain silent. He thought that the people would not mind getting a free porn movie with their purchase.

He was right, or course. People did not mind the porn. What they did mind was purchasing something that was advertised as “new” only to find out that it was not the case. Rob is now unemployed and facing legal action.

The Buzzkills is an up and coming British band who made a splash in a rather unorthodox amateur adult video. What the band’s manager, a guy named Ron, would like to clarify to anyone who would listen is that the band’s participation was not sexual in nature. At least, not in the traditionally sexual way that many people have made the mistake of assuming. The band’s participation was actually done out of a touching request from a loving husband.

It was reported that there was a couple who loved music so much and enjoyed The Buzzkills’ brand of punk rock chaos. The Buzzkills, based from a sleepy town in England, are regular performers in a local pub wherein the couple would enjoy a few pints before retreating to their home and making love. Its been a habit for this couple to make videos of themselves while having sex, and it has been a practice that they’ve never tired been tired of. The husband, with their anniversary fast approaching, decided to do something particularly special and different for his beloved. Thus was The Buzzkills hardly memorable debut in the world of poorly shot sex tapes.

The band played an average rendition of Billy idol’s Right Round” as the couple work on each other like two animals that were starved for days. The original plan was that the band would play all throughout the love making session. The band, however, only managed to performed a few lines before the whole fiasco was over. The couple still remained satisfied, while the band did not know how what to make of the whole experience. There manage, Ron, was used to even odder requests in his career as a small time talent agent that not even this particular ventured shocked him.

“A gig is a gig” declared the short balding man of a manager. “Not oly did I make my boys earn a semi-decent paycheck but it also provided them with much deserved publicity. Especially now that the video has somehow been leaked all over the Internet. Of course, they never got to sing their own material, and they didn’t even get to finish the song they were singing, but still. Air time is air time, right? Maybe we could even make this their gimmick, you know? Thee band that plays wile you have sex. Now that’s a real buzzkill.”

Currently, the band is reportedly contemplating looking for new representation.

While it is a generally accepted fact that people watch porn for the sex scenes, there is something that distinguishes which videos are distinctly better than the other. An anonymous porn expert declared that the secret to the best sex videos not just lie in the sex scenes and performers, but actually in how interesting the dialogue is. Such a statement has then evolved into a frequently discussed topic, and up until now, the debate rages on.

“It does have some bearing to it” said media analyst Charles Wang. “While visual stimuli do carry most of the impact to the recipient, it is the auditory stimuli that stick to one’s mind. That is why pop songs tend to get stuck in a person’s head regardless of an individual’s musical preference. And theaters and home theater system always boast superior sound systems as their selling point. It is what we hear that completes the experience, otherwise it would no longer be an audiovisual medium. Would you, in all honesty, enjoy a soundless porn movie? It’s doubtful. I know I won’t.”

Despite not being known for a medium with a glaring affinity for the written word, the porn medium does manage to come out with dialogue that is sufficient to achieve its intended purpose. “”Notice how every one has a favorite movie quote?” asked fight choreographer and film buff Enrique San Juan. “Dialogue from movies, porn or not, is exactly what you want to say whenever you’re faced in the situation. If I’m ever put in a typical porn situation, I can only hope that what comes out of my mouth is half as cool as what the actors say.”

If this is true, then how come no one can ever remember a line from any porn movie when asked to recite one? This is the main question that is raised by those who oppose this stand. These “purists” as they prefer to be called are against the new mentality of porn being described in the same breath as mainstream movies.

Whether or not dialogue is a truly pivotal aspect in the quality of adult videos, the fact that it is heavily discussed bodes well for the entire industry. With ideas such as these brewing, future generations can rest assured with the knowledge that the creative blood of porn will continue to flow.

Robert and Doris happens to be a unique couple, so it did not come as no surprise to their friends of their unorthodox circumstances to their engagement. It was all thanks to an adult video on demand. Their story is as sweet as it is rather disturbing.

Robert and Doris have been living together for two years. They have always been very much in love with one another. However, there was one thing that always got Doris’ goat. Doris always hated the fact that Robert was constantly watching porn movies online. Every single time that Doris would turn her back, Robert would be on the computer digging up the sickest, vilest porn he could find. He never made an effort to hide it too. To his credit, Robert felt there was nothing to be ashamed about in liking porn.

Doris then tried to shame her man by talking about what she refers to as “his filthy habit” in front of their friends. This did not deter the porn loving Robert. In fact, he mistakenly took it as a sign of acceptance. One day, Doris decided to take a more aggressive action against Robert’s hobby. Every time she would catch Robert in the act, she would watch alongside him, doing off color annotations of the things he was watching. She would make jokes about the videos, even teasing him to pleasure himself. All the time Doris was hoping that her comments and jokes would discourage Robert from his constant porn patronage.

Robert, however, had a surprise for her that she would never, ever forget. Unbeknownst to his lady love, Robert had made phone calls and sent emails to the developers of his favorite porn sites. He had made arrangements for them to create a very special video for her. When he received a favorable reply, Robert set his master plan into motion.

On one Saturday evening, Doris came home to find Robert once again watching online porn videos. True to form, she sat down beside him, making her usual sarcastic comments. The video featured a man and a woman having sex, and Robert did not make a sound all through out the video. Once the performers were done with coitus, both looked at the camera and held up a sign that said “If you agree to marry me, Doris, I’ll keep the porn to a minimum”. Doris turned to see Robert with a ring in hand.

They are now happily married and enjoying porn together.

When high school senior Andy discovers that his college fund was lost during the recession, he decided to raise the money on his own. However, he knew that working in some lame summer job would not be able to support his academic needs. So he decided to make the ultimate sacrifice. He decided to sell his adult porn videos.

Andy had amassed an amazing collection of porn movies that was the envy of everyone in their sleepy little town of Shermer, Wisconsin. In fact, adult and teen males alike refer to him as “the porn guy”. A title which Andy was proud to be bestowed upon. However, with his lifelong dream of becoming a Physics major put in jeopardy by the global economic crisis, he had to improvise.

It was in a rented storage space that Andy set up shop. It took him three trips using his dad’s Impala to get all of his porn videos and his computer there. He hyped up the event as a one night only sale of all his entire porn collection. The news spread like wildfire. Set to begin at midnight, Andy was surprised to see a long line of people who had camped out patiently waiting to get first dibs. Andy opened up his makeshift store, and the people all rushed in. It was absolute madness. All night, Andy was accepting payments, making recommendations, even pitching lesser videos and making deals.

He was respected enough that no one even tried to steal from him despite the opportunities the chaos had brought. From midnight to sunrise, Andy had managed to sell every piece of his cherished collection. He set there, greeted the sunrise with coffee in hand. He counted the money that he earned. It was then that he had an epiphany. As the sunlight swept through the town of Shermer, Andy realized this true calling.

The following day, Andy had cancelled his application to the state’s top Science University and had decided to use the money to open up his own business. Andy now has his sights set on opening up his very own adult video store. “The Porn Guy’s Treasure Chest of Smutty Goodness” will be opening its first branch in March of next year.

Sometimes life makes unexpected detours into desperation before one discovers his path. Andy can not be any happier now.

With the Internet widely responsible for bringing the entire world together in one global community, at least one person believes that much of the credit belongs to adult videos. Adam Hughes is that person. Hughes is what many refer to as a “full time activist”. Friends and acquaintances verify that since Hughes has been in college, he has been switching from cause to cause on a monthly basis. His latest project is to further “porn rights”.

A product of an affluent family, Hughes has dedicated all his time to getting porn recognized as the new universal language. Hughes says that this breakthrough dawned upon him after a quiet night of downloading videos. “I noticed that while certain movies are getting adequate hits, it’s only the porn ones that are taking up the majority. From nearly all countries, too! In a time like this, don’t we all need a unifying factor more than ever?”

Hughes has attempted to spread his message through various means. He has been lobbying “porn rights” in many campus meetings and organizations and has tried to earn the support of many organizations. Sadly, he has yet to find an individual who shares his vision. “It’s that sort of narrow-mindedness that keeps our world in a state of division. If everyone would just forget looking at the superficial and get right into the essence of porn, then they’ll understand what I mean.”

Hughes has even tried holding a seminar for his cause. The original program included him showing a few porn movies and then he would speak about the unifying impact of porn. This plan backfired, though, as people started leaving after they have relieved themselves during the film showing. “I find what happened that day extremely repulsive. But I will not give up. Porn deserves recognition. I’m not stopping until this matter has been looked at by the United Nations itself!”

What’s surprising about all of this is that people within the porn industry seems to refuse to take Hughes seriously. A representative from a well known porn production company shared his company’s stand on “porn rights” and Mr. Hughes. “The porn industry already has low credibility. We believe collaborating with Mr. Hughes would only serve to hurt that credibility even more. However, we do wish Mr. Hughes the best of luck with his quest.”

It has not been confirmed if Hughes has spoken to any of the people from the United Nations.

Call them the team of the century. Call them the best collaboration since Michael Jackson jammed with Paul McCartney. Call them whatever you want, as long as you keep your eyes and eyes open for the products these three are about to produce! The three best creators of adult video sites have decided to pool their remarkable talents to give the best porn video site the world has yet to see.

Jeremy Jones, the mastermind behind several of the most visited all around porn video site has tied his fortunes in with two of the best in the business. Jones will be the front man on this ambitious project leading Roy Lee and Benedict Raymund. Lee is the top web site designer for many porn sites, while Raymund is a software genius whose work has greatly contributed to the video on demand concept. These three are putting together what they claim to be “the be all and end all of all porn sites”. It is Joes that gathered these three of them together, and he happily informs people that he got the idea from comic books.

“What are the two top comic book companies in the world today?” asked Jones. “Marvel and DC, right? And in those two top companies, which comics showcase their best superheroes? That’s the Avengers for Marvel and the Justice League in DC. You know what I noticed? In both groups, they have what geeks like me call the Big Three. For the Avengers it’s Captain America, Thor, and Iron Man. For the League, it’s Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman. What do they have in common? Nothing!” Jones punctuated the statement with a two minute long maniacal laugh.

Once he has calmed down, Jones was able to explain is take on it. His interpretation was that if you would take three people of completely different specialties and personalities it would make for an effective team dynamic. This is especially if the three people coming together are considered to be the best at what they do. Jones, Lee and Raymund say that they have a very big surprise for all fans of porn in the coming year.

“We’re very big fans of porn” says Jones. “So we know what the real fans out there want. So we are going to work hard to give them the ultimate porn site. The best part of course, is that we’re doing it for free!”

The Justice League, the Avengers, the X-Men, Spiderman, Daredevil, The Hulk, all big names in mainstream pop culture as the top icons to ever spring forth from the comic book medium. They have faced many threats, but it is seldom, that these heroes are portrayed in a less than glamorous spotlight. It is rare that these revered icons are ever presented in lewd manner. This article dares to ask the question, what sort of amateur adult videos would we find our favorite superheroes in?

The X-Men are a group of heroes comprised of mutants that are shunned by humanity for being different. They are so outcast that one man decided to build a school exclusively for these genetically gifted and cursed beings. It would be most appropriate if they are presented in the same manner as those teacher student porn scenes. But with powers, of course. Would Beast cough up a fur ball as he goes down on an up and coming female mutant? Does Gambit ever accidentally charge up his condom?

The DC Universe is full of superheroes with young teen sidekicks. Everyone knows Batman and Robin have endured so many jokes questioning their relationship and sexuality, to the point that Batman had to get himself a son, who eventually turned into the latest Robin. Touching upon that subject would be beating a dead and buried horse. But what about the Leaguers who do not have any sidekicks to begin with? Does Green Lantern use his ring to conjure up sex toys? What sexually charged form will the Martian Manhunter change into while in the throws of passion?

Comics just doesn’t deal with issues like that, which is really weird. Everyone has always been wondering, form the moment they hooked up way back during the first coming of Galactus, about how the Thing and Alicia Masters ever do it. Even the Human Torch raised that same question. Or if The Hulk, during the times when he had the big green body yet the very smart brain of Banner, how does he deal with sexual urges, In the movie, it was shown that every time he gets aroused he could turn in the rampaging jade giant. Does the Hulk masturbate?

Writers have exerted a ton of effort over the decades to flesh out these superheroes to the point that their characteristics are as diverse as the people ou would find around you. And since there are different strokes for different folks, what kinds of strokes are for these superhuman folks? We may never know. Until then, these leotard clad beings’ sex lives are private.